there are differences between normal surfing and crowd surfing for example when you crowd surf people get upset if you pee
You Might Also Like
I don’t have a date for Valentine’s Day so I’ll probably end up going out with the wife
Just tell people you have a podcast, nobody’s going to check.
Sometimes I wonder how vegans can survive off what little they can eat and then I remember they just feed off attention.
Funny how this Target cashier says “Merry Christmas” like she’s not going to see me 50 more times between now & then.
I followed the link to your résumé but it brought me to some website called FunnyTweeter..? Anyway Im laughin my butt off, youre hired dude
establish dominance by “properly” rewrapping your in-laws’ gift to you
I’d get up off the couch today but Newton’s first law of motion says bodies at rest remain at rest and who am I to argue with physics
*Prosecution lawyer paints white stripe on otter*
DEFENCE LAWYER: Objection, Your Honour. He’s clearly badgering the witness.
Karate Kid (1984) A Japanese man teaches a desperate young boy about bullying by forcing him to fix his house.
*popular kid is struggling in class
*gets a tutor to help
*Kool-Aid
8: I forgot my name
Me: Oh no!
8: no I –
Me: is it amnesia, do you have amnesia?
8: no I just –
Me: this is terrible!
8: I JUST FORGOT TO PUT MY NAME ON THE PAPER
*seductively moistens your lips with the meatloaf
Wife: You won’t believe this…
Me: *steadies eyes*
Wife: So you know Frank my co-worker from accounting…
Me: *narrows eyes*
Wife: …well he asked about my marriage…
Me: *squints*
Wife: He was flirting…
Me: *eyes close completely*
Wife: Now don’t get mad
Me: *snoring*
See if your child has learnt any swear words yet, by turning the wifi off while they’re playing minecraft.
PSA: when the family come to identify the body don’t yell “abracadaver” as you remove the sheet.
Prince Charming fell madly in love with Cinderella after only one dance, yet I’ve performed a majestic rendition of The Humpty Dance at multiple weddings and haven’t gotten even one date out of it.
I’m spending my adult life behind bars, or as my spouse likes to call it, married
toothfairy had to leave a note apologizing she couldn’t find the tooth last night despite CLEAR instructions to her customers where the designated tooth pick-up spot is.
Hubs: Is that the same oreo as before?
3yo: No.
Hubs: Is that a new one?
3yo: Yes.
Hubs: Are you hiding them around the house?
3yo: …Yes.
If I could go back in time and choose you again, I wouldn’t.
[police station]
I’d like to fill out a police report.
*describes myself to the sketch artist*
Who needs expensive lip plumpers when your toddler can hit you in the face with a toy train for free?
I HAVE FINALLY MET MY DREAM MAN
[2052 pre-apocalypse]
Him: If only we had one of those old VCR cables, we could save the world
Me: (pulling out bin) SEE KAREN, I TOLD YOU WE NEEDED TO KEEP THESE CORDS
It’s not illegal to tell a ghost story when a cop shines a flashlight in your face
Me: so I’m delusional?
Doctor: yes.
Me: and you’re a delusion?
Doctor: yes.
Me: I want a second opinion.
Pink Dragon: you’re delusional.
Hey man do you like my costume? You only need photographic memories of every movie scene you’ve ever watched to get it.
Therapist: What brings you to couples counseling?
Husband: [rolls eyes] My wife says I “exclude her.”
Therapist: Where is your wife by the way?
When in Texas…
*heads into the desert*
*hugs cactus*
*shoots said cactus*
*rides off into the sunset on horseback*
When a man gets married he has a moral obligation to scare his wife when he sneezes.