They want us to stay current with our training, yet the training videos show people using BlackBerries.
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Kids be like I can’t eat any more bites at dinner and then shockingly have room for 7 cookies.
I saw this anti-aging cream that promises to give you, “A neck that can turn heads”. If you’re so old that your neck can’t turn your head, you’re going to need more than a cream.
*cop throws the book at me*
*I throw it back at him*
Librarian: *grabs us by the ears and escorts us out*
The part of the Harry Potter movies that I found most unbelievable was that mostly unsupervised teenagers never had wild keg parties.
Ibuprofen, youbuprofen, weallbuprofen.
me: Go back!
uber driver: Did I miss the turn?
me [already in the front seat trying to find the station that was playing Taylor Swift]
I don’t use gps. I’m tagged like a pet cat so when I get lost someone just returns me
Honestly, guys. I’ve got a fox stuck in my washing machine. WHAT THE ACTUAL FOX
911 OPERATOR: 911 what’s your emergency
ME: ok promise you won’t be mad
Oh thank god, you wouldn’t want your kid to ruin family booze night
me: *knows girls like nerds* I read a lot
date: what kind of books?
me: *knows girls also like jocks* heavy ones
[in conference room]
Coworker: What time is it?
Me: Time to get a watch, Carl *moonwalks out of room*
Butt weight. There’s more!
Cow Scientist: Sir, we’ve discovered a deadly aMOOOba infecting our milk. It has a very high MOOOtality rate and it’s rapidly MOOOtating
Cow President: *grimly* Holy cow
Just sayin’ cowboys are gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between cows and boys.
Guy on fb posted a picture of his baby w/ the caption “1st Easter!” Hell no, there have been like 2000, we’re not starting over just for him
Possum 911: What’s your emergency
Possum: MY CHILDREN ARE ALL DEAD!
Possum 911: You sure they aren’t just playing?
Possum: Oh yeah
FINANCIAL TIP: Invest in any store where you see my wife buying shoes.
If a woman asks you to buy her a flamethrower ask yourself some questions before you buy it.
Dishes are like boyfriends. My roommate should really stop doing mine
A pile of inside out bathing suits can be found by the rotisserie chickens because I couldn’t find a dressing room at Costco.
Serial killers are updating their check list now for dumping bodies:
1) will this location be discovered by Pokémon players?
2) do I care?
*approaches a girl, tips hat* M’lady.
*approaches a material girl, tips hat* M’donna.
I ordered the chick on page 3 in the Victoria’s Secret catalog…
But all they sent me was her underwear.
We have a leprosy outbreak in central Florida and the experts are telling people not to eat armadillos. Just in case you were wondering how it’s going down here…
Well, it’s finally happened. White people are Tupperwaring themselves.
“Rock. Paper. Scissors.” – terrible surgeon
Hate when other parents at school drop off act like they’re better than me just because they remembered to bring all of their children
“Daddy will u tuck me in?:)”
“Ok”
*tucks him in*
“Daddy sing me a song:)”
“Ok”
*clears throat*
LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR LET THE BODIES H
My quest began, passing through the forest of enlightenment, ascending the mount of discovery, galloping over the fields of ruin, and I reached the sacred place. Why is the taco bell toilet so far from the serving area anyway