My dog: Look, they were over baked. Sooo, you’re welcome.
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Someone at this party is wearing the same shirt as me. It’s very awkward. How did this happen. We barely even fit in this shirt.
Me: It’s sweet how my cat sits on my chest to comfort me when I’m sick in bed.
Cat: I think I’ll eat the eyes first.
There’s no “I” in meat, but there’s “me” and “eat”, and I don’t know how vegans can argue with that logic.
I am eternally grateful that Twitter doesn’t have an “is online now” indicator
Me: This little kid sitting next to me in a restaurant wouldn’t stop screaming so I decided to scream back and wow I totally get why kids scream it’s so freeing and so much better than actually verbalizing your emotions
Therapist: I think you’re regressing
Me: *screams* am i?
According to the amount of bacon I just cooked. I’m 4 people.
The cast of Big Brother in Germany doesn’t know about covid-19 and they’re gonna tell them in a live TV special. I have to learn German by tomorrow.
SO SPEAKETH THE OUIJA BOARD, “N E W N U M B E R W H O I S T H I S”
Her: See ya later alligator!
Me: *slithers into swamp*
[THE INVENTOR OF GUM]
What if you could just pretend to eat?
If snails are so slow, why don’t we ever see them coming? It’s just BAM, there’s a snail.
I’ve noticed many of my friends are in The Grapefruit Window, which means they’re old enough to enjoy eating grapefruit but not yet on medication that prevents them from eating grapefruit.
I’ve wrecked my car yet I still weigh the same. This crash diet is for the birds.
Seven Worst Crimes:
7. Theft
6. Over cooking a steak
5. Kidnapping
4. Assault
3. Buying cheap tequila
2. Murder
1. Inspirational tweeting
After about 15 games, I’m starting to think that none of these fantasies are going to be final.
HER: what’s your stance on bullying in school
ME: hmmm probably like this *puts my hands on my hips and shakes my head disapprovingly*
Dear car commercials,
You probably don’t mean to scare me but “German engineering” is also why I don’t have so many cousins today.
Him: I bet she’s thinking about other guys
Me, deep in thought: I am personally offended that 7 tortilla chips is a serving size
ME: *watching the sun rise* ugh, this shit again?
THE SUN: *watching the earth rotate around until I appear* ugh, this shit again?
Flip your microwave on its side. It loves it.
“Dave’s coming for dinner tonight.”
“Dave from work or Dave who misquotes Disney…?”
[from outside]
“…hakuna banana.”
It’s cute how my family thinks I’m playing with fire and I’m just trying to cook them breakfast
A kid next to me at Starbucks says I smell like his dad. I’m like ‘Well, your Dad’s an alcoholic. Scram!’
They don’t put calorie counts or serving suggestions on boxed wine. They know you’ve got enough problems already.
Incorporate the word ‘verily’ into casual conversations so they don’t know what century you’re from
Homosexuality is found in over 450 species. Homophobia is only found in two. Help us get rid of the Ecuadorian fag-hating spider 🙁
If I hear someone crying I immediately cry louder to establish myself as the dominant sad person in the room
It was 80s day at my 8yo’s school so I told him to walk to school and be home before dark.
Someone said I was racist because I misspelled pico de gallo. It’s like they don’t even know I misspell English words also…
[FIRST DAY AS A NUDE MODEL]
INSTRUCTOR: Sir, we need you to take off your socks.
ME: (chuckles) Oh, sorry.
INSTRUCTOR: (clears throat) All three of them.