Me: So if a bunch of people have infections do you guys have a staph meeting?
Doctor: I’m going to give you a shot to help me relax
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ME: jesus preached about the virtues of forgiveness
STUDENT LOAN SERVICER: yeah, still no
when you came back from the bathroom and your younger sibling had taken your spot on the couch
Day 1: This is a great chance to rediscover my love of cooking!
Day 5: *sink full of spoons, trash full of empty jars of peanut butter*
Oh dear… I should get out of the way, he’s probably trying to catch a bad guy.
-me getting pulled over
If your BF wears a gold necklace outside of his tshirt both of you will be asked to get out of your car by the police at gunpoint some day
WIFE: why do we even need a gun in the house
ME: *fires off 8 rounds just to kill a spider* that’s why
11yo: why are you doing dishes with your jeans undone?
me: no sweetie. It’s; YAY MOMMY! YOU GOT THOSE JEANS ON!
What if Creature From the Black Lagoon’s real name was Gary and “Creature” was just a mean nickname he got in middle school
Cashier: Need to see some ID
Me: You get a lot of 20yo guys buying tampons, diapers, grapes & whiskey?
Cashier: Yup
Me: Ok, here you go then
Astronaut: *takes a picture of the moon*
Moon: delete it
Me, 20’s & 30’s: I can’t remember anything about last night.
Friends: You had a good time, then!
Me, 40’s: I can’t remember anything about last night.
Friends: You need to see a neurologist.
[solar eclipse]
SUN: OMG everyone’s taking my picture today, they must love me! Do I look ok? Hope nobody photobombs me
MOON: Hold my beer
A tartan is what you get when you sunbathe on the asphalt
Extremely suspicious that there’s no information about brains that didn’t come from a brain
You think you’ve doing an okay job as a parent, and then you learn your 8 year-old has only been pretending to brush his teeth for two months.
[Speech Therapy]
Therapist: Repeat after me: I’m thirsty
Dad: I’m…thirsty
T: I’m hungry
D: I’m…H…Hi Hungry, I’m Dad
T: *throws clipboard*
Who wants to hear about my Wordle streak? Anyone? Hey, where ya guys going?
Sorry to all my coworkers who have to listen to me whisper the sassy email replies I wish I could send
Hello 911?
Yeah, my wife accidentally fell off a cruise ship 3 months ago
My aesthetician asked me to stop calling it a “crisis at the border” when I make a bikini wax appointment
In case you’re having a bad day…there’s this.
“Yes, I remember you saying” – Translation: Please stop saying that
PRIEST: Do you take this this woman, to have and to hold, for better, for worse, until death do you part?
ME: Well, now you made it weird.
Me: I’ve hit rock bottom
The Rock: Harder
[at the candy shop with 50 Cent] what do you mean metaphor
New Neighbor: Hi, I’m Derek; I moved in downstairs.
Me: I’m Spencer; I’ll be looking in your window and judging your decorating choices.
I’m a confident person until I try to open a plastic produce bag. Then I look like a toddler trying to put a shirt on.
[Inventing Canadians]
Angels: *giggling* omg they’re SO nice!
God: Oh yeah? Check this out. *drops hockey puck*
[Gets soccer schedule, 8am Saturday games]
*Tells junior he didn’t make the team*
May the fourth be with you and if you’re married, may the back and forth be with you