Damn girl, are you astrophysics? Because I don’t know enough about you to finish this joke.
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FRIENDS reunion (2016)
RACHEL: [texting from bar] sry smthg came up
CHANDLER: [texting from home] same… work
JOEY: [in LA] wait THIS friday?
I hate it when my Wife says that we need to talk.
It’s always “What’s wrong with you?” and never about sports, beer or bikini models.
*lights a scented candle in my house
*gets texted 500 miles away from my mother
Please watch those candles
Me – That’s the second First Baptist Church I’ve seen today.
Wife – OK?
M – One of them is lying.
W – You can’t ever shut it off can you?
My vocabulary can beat your vocabulary’s ass, arse, bum, buttocks, rear end, booty, backside, tush, tuckus and badonkadonk.
*signing divorce papers*
Client, “Thank God that’s over.”
Me, “Yes, divorce is stressful.”
Client, “No. The process was fine. I’m just glad the marriage is over.”
Me, “I’m glad you aren’t crying. Here’s your bill.”
Client *bursts into tears*
9 Year Old: Where do babies come from?
Me: (pause) Europe.
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘effusive’
“E-F-F-U-S-I-V-E”
That is correct. What was your name?
“It’s Siv”
I know lmao [hi5s other judge]
be careful out there! #FiftyShadesOfGrey
Lady paid me $50 to paint the name “Inspiration” on her boat because “that’s what she is”
Considering writing “The Sea Word” instead.
Remember if a company says “we’re like a family here” they don’t mean like a nice TV family they mean like a normal family where everyone has undiagnosed mental health issues and no one likes each other.
This Halloween I’m going as that friendly guy who walked around your college campus but wasn’t even enrolled & turned out to be 28 & then disappeared completely
Realizing I’m at the age that ppl say “he started at age ___ and still became a success”
Sing like no one is listening.
Dance like you need to be shot with a tranquilizer dart.
I just discovered that first aid kits do not include slices of pizza in it and I feel so betrayed.
Salad kits are great when you want to pretend you are trying to be healthy but also don’t have the energy to go outside and chop cabbages off of your cabbage tree and summon the Ranch God.
Friend: *opening his front door* Oh, it’s you. But the dinner party is tomorrow
Me: It’s ok. I’ll wait
*yawning at an art museum*
“I already saw that on Tumblr.”
If you ever ask me what my favorite of something is, it is guaranteed that I will forget everything I’ve ever loved, mumble some nonsense and run away.
ramen noodles. roman numerals. raman numeroodles.
Son: Dad, I’m so excited. I got a B in spelling!
Dad: That’s a D, moron.
Stairway to heaven vs highway to hell, sounds to me like being bad scores you wheels in the afterlife
my kid wanted me to play but i was tired so i told her to make a friend so she drew a face on a balloon and named him green greevy and now i have to get him snacks too and thats how i got played by a four year old
Netflix: are you still watching?
Me: yes
Hulu: still there?
Me: yes
Phone: ring ring
Me: no
[staring up at the sky]
ME: what does that cloud look like to you?
11YR OLD DAUGHTER: I’d say it’s a semi-transparent altocumulus, or at least something of the stratocumuliform physical category
ME: well I see a corn dog
I’m not afraid of identity theft. Go ahead and enjoy being broke and having my dad call you a failure.
When I die I want to be dressed like a scuba diver and placed on top of Mount Everest to confuse the climbers
What do you call emergency rooms for non medical emergencies?
Bars, they’re called bars
I went to AutoZone and asked for window shield wipers. Window shield. I can never go back.
[2 days into diet]
Gluten: come back baby I promise I’ll change