Your Harvard education doesn’t make me respect you more – it makes me respect Harvard less.
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In pretty sure my wife’s most prized possession is her plastic bag full of other plastic bags.
Practice safe sex and have sex with a vampire. Vampires are, by default, all about consent because they have to be invited inside.
my dog stole an entire baguette and hid it under her bed so she could eat it in secret and i am only mad bc i did not think of doing that for myself
My kidnappers are trying to leave but I bolted the doors shut lol
[checking into a hotel]
Front desk employee: Thank you ma’am, we’ll make up a room for you right away
Me: aren’t… aren’t there real rooms here
My bank assures me my money is safe with them, yet they keep their pens chained to desks and most of them are missing.
*pronounces patio like ratio
Marry someone who loves Hawaiian pizza so you can just get your own good tasting pizza all to yourself.
nobody’s gonna understand
Sometimes I think about when my 2 friends asked me to play the board game “Risk.” They were both smart & ultracompetitive, & focused on annihilating each other. Nonstop trash talk. They forgot I was playing until suddenly they realized I had taken over the world & won the game.
I used to think people who looked for sex on craigslist were rock bottom… Then I discovered twitter.
mom: you waste your money on stupid stuff
me: you’re right. btw how’s that panini press working out?
mom:
me: making a lot of paninis with that thing?
[Dentist chair]
Him: Lie back and open wide
Me: At least buy me dinner first
Him: *sigh* Please don’t tweet this
Me: *typing* Too late
One way to tell if a man is good in bed is to watch him dance. Another good way is to have sex with him.
Most divorces could be avoided by buying 2 duvets.
6 year old: Mommy, take a picture of me and post it on Amazon.
Don’t tempt me kid.
Why does it have to rain men? Why can’t it rain something useful like Doritos?
All carpentry tool names were created by someone in desperate need of sex.
We might appreciate window lickers more if they had squeegees for tongues.
Cancer: Expect a minor shakeup at work this week when you find your boss eating what’s left of Gary.
judge: are you the defendant?
me: haha yup, guilty as charged
my lawyer: *whispers in my ear*
me: um whats the policy on take backs here
New healthcare plan in case Obamacare is defunded: the entire country pays for hospital bills by cooking meth.
Kidney stones? Hard pass
[watching any cowboy movie ever] i should buy a horse
Hey boy, are you the tasks written on my whiteboard? Because I don’t plan on doing you
I don’t get spin classes, you do know they make bikes that move now too?.. and you can ride to somewhere and get a beer or a sandwich… it’s way more rewarding.
Me, on phone with mom, “I’m drinking a glass of rose’ paired with a warm, toasted strawberry crumble.”
Husband, “You’re drinking wine from a box and eating a pop tart.”
Me, finger to my mouth, “Shhhh….”
Breaking News:
I did 3/16th of a complete push-up
him: hi, I’m Tom
me: nice to meet you uhh…
my brain: cmon he literally just said his name 3 seconds ago
me: m…mom