earlier this year a random number i don’t recognize started sending me pictures of toads
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My answer to most questions is an intelligible grunt, a flustered pointing motion, & a 3 hour nap.
I meant to type : You’re dear to me.
I actually typed : You’re dead to me.
Losing friends is easy.
A 32-year-old man was arrested in England after allegedly stealing a semi-truck that contained 200,000 Cadbury Creme Eggs, police said.
What kind of adapter do I need for this outlet?
*plays imperial death march on the kazoo*
Me when people tell me secrets I already knew
ME: I think it’s time I get my life in order.
MORGAN FREEMAN: But he would not get his life in order. In fact, he got drunk that night and fought a raccoon.
Like a good neighbor
plow my driveway, not my wife
Boss to staff: “What incentives would make you work harder?”
Staff member: “Bonus!”
Boss: “I’m not boning any of you.”
WATSON: do you even have a proper education?
SHERLOCK: Elementary, my dear Watson
WATSON: but, like, beyond that
SHERLOCK: nah
i do not get doomsday preppers i’m immediately giving up i am not trying to survive nuclear winter you will not catch me doing any mad max shit i’m quitting
So to fix my shitty attention span I just need to read your list of ten different 400 page books on concentration…
SUPERHERO: I alienate my loved ones to protect them from danger
ME: Me too, that’s also my reason
*first day in a Vegas poker tournament
Me: I’m all in
Host: Sir, this is the buffet
Chocolate cheesecake so good you forget that your wife told you not to eat it.
Until you’ve tried to start a conga line at a funeral, don’t tell me about your drinking problem.
*Showing me a picture of your baby*
Me: Is that a dog toy in the background? What kind of dog do you have? What’s your dog’s name?
Doctor, reaching for a piece of paper: “Are you on any meds?”
Me: “You might want to grab a notebook.”
My wife just sent me a text ” I just bought you the best Christmas present! xox :)” …..I hope she misspelled Xbox
To shoot someone, never aim at his chest.
Aim at his smartphone.
He’ll die faster.
I finally found the horrific smell in my house. It turns out I have toddlers.
[home]
FRIEND: How’d family dinner go?
ME: Huge mess to clean.
F: It’s spotless!
M: *sprays luminol* You’d never know they were even here.
“Erectile Dysfunction” is such a harsh term. Why not just call it “Sleepy Peepee?”
This documentary on tree frogs is absolutely ribbiting.
Call me old fashioned, but I never cry in front of another man unless it’s to get out of a speeding ticket…
Is being in two bands cool? Depends. If you’re a high schooler: yes. If you’re a lobster: no.
[before horsepower was invented]
car salesman: this baby has the strength of 7000 raccoons
I apparently said “keratin” instead of “ketamine” when discussing treatment options with my psychiatrist, so the bad news is that I remain a terminal depressive, but wow, my frizz is really well controlled.
Now.
What do we want?
Time traveller jokes.
When do we want them?