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Me: When the edibles kick in
Everyone: You forgot to attach a picture or a gif
Me: Exactly
asking my dentist if i can just drop my teeth off and pick them up when they’re ready
I love when SVU recycles actors years later as if I won’t know this is the same woman who put a child in an igloo cooler and set it sail on the Hudson in 1999
If you’re reading this, congratulations on not being raptured. Im glad you’re still here.
I tripped going up the escalator and fell down the stairs for like 20 minutes.
Tonight I have taught my 2yr old a very valuable lesson.
He now knows that chips can be used to eat guacamole.
[concert venue]
Manager: Start the fog machine!
Me: *gulps* Fog?
*hundreds of frogs start falling on crowd
“we want grandchildren” sorry hope you like podcasts
bartender: the usual?
me: you know it
bartender: [throws me thru window]
My O face is the same face I make when I eat really sour pickles
Which is why the lights stay off!
[Wakes up in hospital after car crash]
I’m afraid we had to amputate both of your feet.
“OMG why?”
You were too tall to fit in the ambulance
accessories can really boost a woman’s self confidence. for example I know I would feel 10x sexier if I carried a sword with me at all times
employment counsellor: for your interview be sure to bring a copy of your CV, be on time and wear your best dress
me: [shows up in prom gown but on time]
My daughter just finished watching Frozen so, counting today that’s 12,521,865,635,869 times since Tuesday
Don’t bother using those white packets of seasoning inside new shoes, they taste terrible.
The only thing you can wish for in this life is that the person you say “I do” to appreciates your Star Trek memorabilia as much as you.
[both kids on my lap]
Me:This is so nice
5yo:Mommy your breath stinks.
M: I carried you for 9 months!
4yo:Why didn’t you use a stroller?
friend: you should name your plants
me: why
friend: it’s just a cute thing people do
me: oh ok. *pointing to rose bush* this is Lily
friend: wait
me: *pointing to lily* this is Iris
friend: no—
me: *pointing to Iris* this is Rosemary
friend: I hate you
Warning: the life you are about to lead contains strong language, adult situations and nudity. Exister discretion is advised.
I couldn’t find a bowl so Flora is drinking from a margarita glass
I sexually identify as a cup of ramen noodles. I’m little, cheap, will leave you unsatisfied and i’m the last resort for many people.
CENTAUR: My dad slept with a horse
MINOTAUR: My mum slept with a bull
PIGOTAUR: My dad was Prime Minister.
My stylist cut my bangs too short so now I look like a dreadfully concerned 7 year old.
Fighting fire with fire but in the marital bed we’re just fighting wind with wind
I’m sorry I pretended to be one of those inflatable flappy arm guys when you leaned in for a hug at church today.
[summoning the devil]
me: come to us!
satan: [rising from floor] who summons me?
mom: [comes in] hi honey i thought you and your friends might want some snacks and-
me: mom get out!
satan: susan is that you?
mom: oh my god! satey?
satan: unholy shit how long’s it been?
Hornets: they’re terrified of us. Our name is fine.
Murder Hornets: ok boomer
I am dedicated. I go to the gym every day, and I’ve kept my sea monkeys alive for 12 years.
EAT YOUR VEGETABLES!
-a mother who hasn’t eaten a vegetable that isn’t a potato in the last year.
This nation more divided than ever.
I just saw a tweet in support of raisins.