Sometimes I think I’m reasonably intelligent, and sometimes I click the remote car door lock a second or third time for extra lockiness.
You Might Also Like
Always be yourself. Unless you can be Batman.. Then be Batman.
GOD: okay everyone gets one thing from this bag of traits
ELEPHANT: i shall take a long nose
GOD: how fun
BUTTERFLY: i shall have beautiful wings
GOD: oho yes very charming
MOSQUITO: i shall be a heinous little b***h
GOD: you know what this is my fault i did put that in the bag
[just meeting a new group of people]
My brain: say something cool and different
Me: HOW YA’LL GOT??
Brain: nice
Son: mom, you wanna dance with me?
Me, who has no rhythm: *dances*
Son: maybe you can just watch me instead.
Pretty sure my day can’t get any wors- *soup explodes in microwave*
Chameleon wife: “Does my bum look big in this dress?”
Chameleon husband: “What dress? Where are you?”
New dad: my kid started teething it’s awful.
Me: want some advice?
New dad: please!
Me: step 1 get a bottle of whiskey.
New dad: okay.
Me: step 2 drink it all.
A fake ice cream truck undercover surveillance company called ‘Inside Scoop’
What they say: “Wow, you’re really photogenic.”
What they mean: “Wow, this looks nothing like how ugly you actually are.”
do you know who else makes a Big Mac using all 54 ingredients so I don’t have to
WebMD is too stodgy and clinical, give me EtsyMD where you get your diagnosis embroidered on one of them wooden rings 𝓨𝓸𝓾’𝓻𝓮 𝓭𝔂𝓲𝓷𝓰 𝓹𝓻𝓸𝓫𝓪𝓫𝓵𝔂
9: What did that message on the TV say
Me: It said, the film has been modified to fit our screen
9: How do they know what size TV we have?
My ex-wife and I broke up over religious differences. I was agnostic and she was Satan.
I hate skiing or any other sport where there’s an ambulance waiting at the bottom of the hill.
Joke’s on my neighbour, I actually like being kept locked in his shed.
Tried to create a relaxing atmosphere in my statistics practical today by putting on a YouTube fireplace video but there are about 8 large screens on the walls in the room so instead it looked like we were all in hell
You think you’ve brought your kids up right and then you find the toothpaste tube squeezed in the middle.
Turns out when you’re asked who your favourite child is you’re expected to pick from your own.
13: I found a baggie of pot.
M: *takes it* Thank you, bringing it to an adult was the right thing to do. Now go outside and play for 3 hrs.
Sorry I’m breaking up with you but you have terrible taste in women
Cake is better than sex because cavities are better than babies
Police: Cover me
Rookie: ok [pulls out guitar] Every little thing she does is magic
The best revenge is a life lived well or cyanide in their coffee.
All my personalities waiting to see who gets to be in charge today
[traffic stop]
COP: where ya headed?
ME: on my way home
COP: *shining flashlight in my backseat*
ME: look at me when I’m speaking to you
[Supermarket]
Me: QUICK, WHERE IS YOUR FROZEN SECTION
Assistant: Aisle 7
Me: GREAT [opens trench coat and 6 penguins fall out] let’s go guys
I believe in workplace drug testing.
That’s why I slipped Ambien and Ex-Lax into my boss’ coffee.
Let’s test which one works faster.
Finding lettuce in my bed can only mean one of two things…
1. I was sleep eating tacos again
2. A vegan broke in & was trying to kill me
Please don’t leave that cake alone with me
Me: Hey Mom!
My mom: Oh haha I get that all the time
Me: Wha-
Definitely my mom: *walking away from me* Just one of those faces, I guess!