Stop wasting ur 20s complaining about how it’s hard to make friends and start screaming “oh my god I love your bag” from across the street
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Protip: If your wife asks you “When are you going to clean that up?” never respond with “I was waiting for someone else to do it.”
me: do you have a blowup mattress?
host: it’s explosive but it hasn’t blown up yet.
me: hahaha
host: hahaha
me: (nervous sweating)
It’s so cute how my kids think I’m going to go look for them after I finish counting to ten.
HIM: if you have a moment, I’d like to talk to you about Jesus
ME: are his grades slipping again
ME: but I got to the buffet before anyone else
MANAGER: that’s not how the first responder discount works
*sitting in HR wearing devil horns*
HR: We need to talk about your attire.
Me: I was always told to dress for the job you want.
I will die on a white floor just to mess with the chalk outline guy.
Spiraling into madness while watching the slow texter’s dots bounce
Kids today don’t know how easy they have it. When I was younger I had to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change the tv channel.
I finally found a machine at work that I like: the coffee machine.
Was placed in charge of the group chat this week and I think I handled it pretty well
Me: What were you and daddy just laughing about?
9: You
Me: What about me?
9: You won’t think its as funny as we do
True freaking story!
TOP PLACES TO DO KARATE IN FRONT OF:
1. Sunset
2. Crashing waves
3. Dad’s grave (as casket is lowered)
4. New stepdad’s face
5. Quiznos
Good news! That lump I found in my breast turned out to be a Skittle.
Masseuse: happy ending?
Me: oh yeah*20 minutes later
Masseuse: …and then Tom Hanks shows up in the park and yells the dog’s name, and Meg Ryan just knows he’s the one she loved all along…
Me: OMG their love is so pure 😭
To those that put something in a closet, close the door, hear something crash and walk away
You are my people
I just volunteered to take 7 teens on a fishing trip. Who am I, and what does one fish for, besides compliments?
Princess Peach: Something’s different. You seem taller.
Luigi wearing Mario’s red overalls: No, nothing is different. It’sa me, Mario.
I dream of a day when my toddler can poop and the entire neighborhood doesn’t have to hear her say she’s done.
[driving to a party]
WIFE: please try to spice up your stories a little bit tonight[at the party]
ME: my doctor prescribed me a new blood pressure medicine *glances at wife* so i murdered him
[hell]
Satan: this is our library
Me: cool i love reading
Satan: we only have the twilight series
Me: This Pfizer vaccine made me fat.
Them: You were fat before the vaccine.
Me: It’s made me a time-traveler, too.
[long ago]
A: Ok, so let’s mush a tree to pulp and then make flat thingies out of it.
B: Great idea. Write that down.
A: Where?
Meanwhile, at School:
Teacher- “How much is a gram?”
Laure- “Depends on what you want”
Teacher- “Out, just get out”
#YouOwnedHimDude
Having a child doesn’t make you a father. Sneezing as loud as you can after cutting the grass does.
Goodnight moon.
Goodnight room.
Goodnight sanctimonious people arguing on the internet
Maybe put an Apple Air Tag in your F-35 jets.
Today. I. Realized. That. Typing. Like. This. Doesn’t. Make. Your. Point. Stronger. It. Makes. You. Look. Like. Your. Computer. Has. Asthma
I sure do wish my gasts would stop getting flabbered