And on the eighth day, God let the dogs out. And there was much confusion among the Baha Men.
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My Girlfriend has spent the last 2 hours checking out every guy she sees.
I’m considering asking her to stop working in that Hotel Reception.
My knight in shining armor comes in liquid form.
*gets laser eye surgery*
“Thanks doc, so how do I activate them?”
I told you, that’s not what—
*i squint at him real hard but he’s right*
“Never put all your eggs in one basket,” I said to my best friend, boyfriend, business partner, and yoga instructor, Jack.
When parallel parking, I turn down the radio so I can hear the sound of my car crunching the other car’s bumper.
GF: “I’m telling you now! Size does not matter, it doesn’t make you any less important.”
BF: “Yeah? Well explain that to Pluto.”
Leia: This is romantic
Han: I know
Chewie: Rwwar
Leia: Does he have to be here?
Han: It’s a life debt. You’re basically marrying us both
Interpretive dance is the best way to answer stupid questions.
Girlfriend: “I’m pregnant”
Me: “Really? Thats great.”
GF: “April Fo–”
*I’m already on a plane to a non extradition country*
I just wish I had someone who wanted to touch me as much as my shower curtain does.
My therapist thinks meeting women on twitter for sex is a bad idea. His wife disagrees.
Why don’t we just stick an “a” in there and finally start calling it what it is…. “Moanday”
Me: *Spitting out teeth*
Her: Omg what happened?
Me: I ate too many of them
Superman: I have super strength
Flash: I have super speed
Aquaman: I control sea creatures
Green Arrow: I tell cars when to turn left
Literally no one understands something more completely than a woman in a meeting who starts a question with “Just so I understand…”
Him: If they ask you any questions, just play stupid. You know nothing….
Me: Oh, I think I can handle that.
Sure, you women *say* you don’t need men anymore. But just wait until we start packaging tampons in tightly sealed jars.
How many times should you try starting your snowblower before you realize it’s not going to start? According to my neighbor it’s 458 times.
*staring directly into the sun* is this meditation am I meditating
[Murderer in the middle of murdering me]
Can you put your phone down for 2 seconds while I’m murdering you I mean really
Realizing im one of those people who peaked in high school because that was the last time an authority figure accused me of being a witch
Me: Okay, time to get off our bed
Dog: It’s adorable that you think that.
Getting out of bed in the morning always gave me a headache until I tried it feet first.
extremely rude of the target self-checkout camera to show me exactly what i look like
A penguin is a bird the way a hot dog is a sandwich
Sitting down and tilting your head to the side will increase your chances of food intake by 82%.
– Dog Logic
me: help, my house is burning down!
mrs doubtfire: *narrows eyes* prove it
me: *stabs vampire*
wife: omg
me: *beats zombie to death*
wife: OMG
me: what
wife: ur supposed to give them candy
“So how are the anger management classes?”
We have to crochet stuff when we get mad
“Sounds stupid”
[I furiously make a beautiful cardigan]
Imagine the conversations between
the fly on the wall and the elephant
in the room after everyone leaves.