[I just barely squeeze thru the elevator doors as they shut, however my chain wallet get caught, ripping my pants off as the elevator rises]
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Next time you see someone you don’t like, begin conversation with “I see the assassins have failed.”
Newborn babies implies there are oldborn babies and honestly that’s terrifying
[party]
me: i think my gf is mad at me
friend: yeah dude i saw her making out with some guy in the kitchen
me: did she look mad?
Do people who talk on their phones while driving know you can use driving as an excuse to avoid talking on the phone?
[avengers trailer drops]
ME: ok wow everyone needs to relax a bit geez
[john wick trailer drops]
ME: EVERYONE SHUT UP KEANU AND HIS DOG ARE IN DANGER
My washer broke so if anybody needs me I’ll be down by the river beating my underwear with a rock.
me: i’ll have the steak
waiter: this is a vegan restaurant
me: ok i’ll have the vegan
Afghanistan is just a regular ghanistan that’s ghanistan af.
Idea for dieting: Fridges with mirrors.
I date men who have their life path laid out firmly and never waver.
Sure, their path is psycho or socio, but consistency is admirable.
911: What’s your emergency, sir?
Me: I’m being taken away by ducks! I’m being-
911: Please don’t do this, sir
M: AbDUCKted!
911: *hangs up*
Follow your dreams. Search through your dreams mail. Show up drunk on your dreams doorstep. Kidnap your dreams. Never let your dreams go.
LOL
We say that elephants never forget, but it’s not as if they have much to remember. They don’t have PIN numbers or passwords. They never have to put the bins out. They can even guess what kind of elephant they are and have a 50/50 chance of getting it right.
I tried on and bought two pairs of jeans today without testing my phone in the back pocket. I don’t even know who I am anymore.
You can also leave cabbage rolls you couldn’t finish at any fire station. Anything swaddled really.
My lighter has 2 options:
1. Nope
2. Flamethrower
me: i have good and bad news
her: bad first
me: there’s a dead body in the woods near the train tracks
her: what’s the good news
me: i found waldo
This could have been an email.
— me, while attending a wedding ceremony
My dancing style can best be described as “Guy On Maury Who Just Found Out He Isn’t The Father.”
Goblin adventurer whose catchphrase is “no goblemo”
TRAIN TIP: A few minutes before the train arrives at your destination, get up and crowd around the exit so you can wait faster.
Netflix just asked me “Are you really going to eat that too?”
Bird: Can I eat bugs off you and use you as a toilet?
Rhino: What’s in it for me?
Bird: I’ll warn you of danger
Rhino: I don’t have predators
Bird:
Rhino:
Bird: Okay I was trying to be polite but this is happening
January has been Januweary
Why is vanilla a synonym for boring? Vanilla is delicious. Imagine a world without vanilla. It would be so oregano.
You can’t trust the mainstream media, that’s why I get all my news from the giant in my dreams
My 9-year-old said I looked tired today and apparently becoming my mother has skipped a generation.
[First Date]
Waiter: Hi, would u like to start off with an appetizer?
Me: I’m gonna wait until my date arrives
W: Sir, it’s been 3 hours
My dog wakes me up at 5am every morning to go outside for a shit, which is great because otherwise I’d probably do it in the bed.