priest: “does anyone here know why these two should not be wed?”
me: “SHE LEAVES THE VOLUME ON ODD NUMBERS”
priest: [slowly closes bible]
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Guy getting on elevator in my office building..” Going Down?”
Me: “No, but I’ve got time for a hug”
Me: There’s a fly in my soup.
Waiter: I’m so sorry, sir. I’ll sort this.
*puts a spider in the soup*
Waiter: Hopefully this won’t take too long.
why in the hell am i in my kitchen right now letting this casserole win?
*15 seconds into makeup application*
I’m bored. This is good enough.
Starting a band called “Get Off The Stage” so I can pretend everybody’s cheering me on
[preparing for a date]
me: what if she kisses me
roommate: you kiss her back, bro
me: ok
me: *thinking* but why her back though
[sitting down next to a stranger at a minor league baseball game] that looks great. who’s your hot dog guy
Hospital Administrator: And how will you be paying?
Me: *Has no insurance* Dearly.
Parents: violence is never the answer
Parents at birthday parties: BEAT THE SHIT OUT OF THAT PIÑATA
There is no greater lie than “if you tell the truth, I won’t get mad.”
ME: this hotel is infested with squirrels!
GUY: get out of my son’s tree house
ME: fine, but I’m keeping the squirrels
I hate to admit this but our feelings on certain things really do change as we get older. 10 years ago, I would have preferred to get a new video game instead of an engagement ring but now that I’m older, I would prefer to get a domesticated raccoon instead of an engagement ring.
inside you are two wolves
“This is the ride that killed Jimmy.”
– me in line, loudly, at amusement parks
Never, ever ask a woman if she’s pregnant unless you see an actual baby being born. Even then, act surprised.
[at the vets]
He’s really bad. He can’t fly.
“He’s a cat though.”
[very sarcastically] oh I’m sorry is this the vets or the excuses clinic?
I want to install a camera system, partly for security, but mostly so when my husband texts me asking what’s for dinner I can send him a 16 minute video montage of the kids screaming followed by a Thai take-out menu screen-shot.
Raspberry buy guitar
Raspberry take lessons
Raspberry answer ad
Raspberry show up at drummer’s house
Raspberry plug in
Raspberry Jam
you know, nobody ever talks about Pennywise’s estranged brother Nickelstupid
My body is a “wonder what happened” land
Got a new end table for the living room and no one has noticed but try to get rid of a toy my kids haven’t played with in five years and everyone notices
Don’t invite me places. I was cesarean. I didn’t want to come out then and I certainly don’t want to now
Trapped in a crevice. “Go on boy, get help.” The dog chews off my one free arm. “Ok yeah bring that back to town I guess”
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: I’d say listening is my biggest weakness.
Me: What did you learn about at school?
10-year-old: States.
Me: What did you learn about them?
10: That there’s too many.
*gets a paper cut opening a bill*
Ah, yes, capitalism.
I was with my friend when he got pulled over and he said “just be cool” as if after a lifetime of trying I would suddenly figure it out then
My wife completely ignores me when she watches Grey’s Anatomy……so I ordered the first 5 seasons.
So NASA found evidence there’s a parallel universe next to ours and honestly if 2020 gets any worse I’m grabbing my family and we’re bookin a flight outta here. I hear flights are hella cheap right now.