I’m getting excited that my kid’s birthday is coming up…
mostly because I really need to replenish my gift bag stash.
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When I go shopping I like to buy condoms and cat food at the same time just to confuse the cashier.
4: What does antique mean?
Me: It means old-
4: Oh…like you?
Me (27 f) and my bf (12 ft tall Home Depot skeleton) are trying for a child to no success. Any tips helpful!!!
“This place couldn’t possibly get any messier!”
TODDLER: “Hold my bear.”
Texting random numbers “It’s done.”
Me: So are we putting the soy milk with an expiration date of October 31, 2021 back in the fridge or…
Wife: No it’s ok it’s only the ‘best by’ date
if the earth is so flat explain why cats haven’t pushed everything off it yet. you can’t.
I’m so down for anne frank demon slayer
Hey guys is your refrigerator running? Because I don’t like any of the current presidential candidates
I have no idea how to clean a cheese grater. Usually I just end up grating a sponge
Got my twins a bunk bed so now I can worry about two kids falling at once.
PAL: Do you think the Cowboys will beat the Giants?
ME: There is no way
PAL: Why?
ME: Giants are very large and cowboys are just regular sized people
Teacher: Ants can lift things that are heavier than they are
Kid: How can a thing be heavier than it is?
Teacher: No, you’re not understanding—(sees it’s almost 3 pm)—because magic
Like a crackhead being chased on COPS, but it’s me sprinting from the shed in flip-flops holding a can of wasp spray.
INTERVIEWER: We want someone who isn’t just a yes-man, you know what I mean?
ME [clever] no
Do one person every day that scares you.
therapist: what are you afraid of?
me: nothing
therapist: yes, the void. it will swallow us all
First rule of flight club…no penguins.
The best way to meet new women is outside a sex change clinic.
What do you mean my back has experienced trauma and needs time to recover? It hasn’t seen combat, I just bent over.
I’ve never gotten off the elevator at a hotel and walked in the right direction.
ONLINE QUIZ: “According to your answers, the Sorting Hat says you are a: —HUFFLEPUFF—”
BIG BAD WOLF: Whaaaaaat?? That has to be the stupidest thi– oooh, I get it…
They invented the word metallic, because irony was already taken.
Baby Lawyer: Did you steal the victim’s nose?
Accused: No. *cries into palms
Baby Judge: O, great, he’s disappeared again.
Murderer: Which of the three of you to kill – it’s quite the dilemma
Me: Technically that’s a trilemma
Murderer: OK now it’s easy
Cleaning out my fireplace before the chimney sweep comes feels like I’m flossing on the way to the dentist.
Them: Can you recommend a show for me?
Me: Captain Caveman?
Them: Maybe something more for adults?
Me:
Them: Sorry.
I never text and drive bc that would imply that I actually go places.
Thank you to all the people who gave their lives figuring out which mushrooms we can and can’t eat.
Children change a lot of things like now if I get lost in a corn maze I just lay down and take a nap or run toward the guy with a chainsaw.