Parenting is 10% knowing you would kill for your children and 90% suppressing the urge to kill them.
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My dogs are really bad about breaking into food bags so we moved everything out of reach.
Two days ago I joked to my wife they were going to learn how to open cans.
Yesterday I came home to a half eaten can of SPAM with the top chewed off.
Be careful what you put out there.
I like that all the Ikea instructions illustrations always assume I have a friend.
SERIAL KILLER: you can run but you can’t hide
ME: [crying] you believe in me more than my track coach ever did
If you give your opinion while cleaning a pair of reading glasses people will think you know what you’re talking about.
HR: Did you eat all the mints that were in my jar?
me: No [some mints fall out of my mouth]
HR:
me: Yes [more mints fall out of my mouth]
The priest said that the demon really wants to leave, but I’m way too clingy, so the exorcism didn’t work.
Eddie is one of our desert tortoises. If you don鈥檛 push the door shut all the way, he will open it and come in. Eddie is probably over 50 years old, and ours is at least the third house in our neighborhood he鈥檚 lived at.
[at my funeral]
Priest: he died doing what he loved
My friend Pete from the back: he liked it yeah but I wouldn鈥檛 say he loved making toast in the bath
At some point you realize that world peace and inner peace are too much to wish for and ask for an extra piece of pizza instead
As your personal mortician, instead of making you look beautiful I will make people fear you.
Dude yapping nonstop at the gym just said he works out in the afternoons to avoid people who talk. Is it okay to fling a dumbbell at him?
My grandma had a lock installed on her medicine cabinet poor thing no one’s ever going to visit her again
Inflation is definitely out of hand when hot cross buns are 拢1.25 for 4 when they used to be 1 a penny, 2 a penny.
“I hope she got fat, I hope she got fat” – me looking up an ex girlfriend on Facebook.
when your neighbor cuts his grass and suddenly your place looks like a good place to score meth
The ants won’t go in the poison traps so I made some modifications to lure them in
VOTERS: we want to give a boat a ridiculous name
UK: no
VOTERS: we want to break up the EU and trash the world economy
UK: fine
You know you’re tired when you kneel on the ground pick something up and then have to decide if it’s easier to get up or just live there now
馃馃敟馃馃敟
Me: I鈥檓 not interested in you that way
Them: Which way?
Me: Pick one
Potionheads be like bro this is an elixir bro it’s different just try it. Nice try junkie I’m sticking with the turkeylegs and apples I find on the castle floor
You should be my grillfriend. Not a typo, girl. You’re hot enough to cook meat on.
Me: I used to use baby oil so I鈥檇 fry faster in the sun, then of course the eventual peel and tan that followed
Satan: I honestly don鈥檛 know where you belong. You鈥檙e very insane.
Why is it that “fire sauce” isn’t made with any real fire? Seems like false advertising.
I feel sorry for all those girls bragging that they don’t have a gag reflex. They’ll probably die choking on an Olive Garden bread stick.
Sure, I could live a pious life so St. Peter lets me through the Pearly Gates. Or I could just crawl under the gate since IT SITS ON A CLOUD
Me: Hey, wanna do nothing for Valentine’s this year?
Him: Why break tradition?
Why is the floor squeaking upstairs; does the cat weigh that much? Jeezus I hope the cat weighs that much.
Saw one of the most deranged Facebook ads of my life yesterday
bible: love thy enemy
me: loves carbohydrates