[moses parts sea]
Slaves: wow! Why we running away if u can do shit like that? Lets go back & claim the pyramids
Moses: thats my only trick
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My neighbours were furious last time I held a yard sale.
I sold their house.
me: are you cool?
my armpit: good to go
me: you sure? not itchy?
my armpit: oh come on, I’m fine
me: promise me
my armpit: dude I promise
me:
my armpit:
me: ok *puts on long sleeve shirt, coat, scarf, and starts driving*
my armpit: you’re not gonna believe this
The best ways to spell the name Sean: 1. Sean 2. Shawn 3. Shaun 4. Chone 5. Shnzzang 6. Beans! 7. Ulurion 8. Shon?
You don’t need to wear clothes in public if you can run fast enough.
Her: I want you to leave me breathless
Me: *hides her inhaler
I can’t wait till I have kids so I can drive slowly past McDonalds and tell them there’s food at home when they ask for some..
I like to put my passengers as ease by pointing out where all the airbags are. Ending the safety message with “Just in case I crash again”
I have the body of a 21 year old bodybuilder. Can I borrow a shovel?
Life is like a box of condoms. If you don’t use one, you never know what you’re goin get.
SOCRATES: [dying] Plato, my dear pupil, I’ve always wanted to tell you something.
PLATO: Yes, my teacher.
SOCRATES: I often made sweet sweet love to your mom. Now please take good care of my documents.
…
PLATO: [Socrates’s funeral] Too bad he left us no writing.
“Shh…it took an hour, but I think he’s finally asleep.”
*fireworks go off outside*
*opens window*
I WILL KILL YOU AND EVERYONE YOU LOVE
her: Say something nice to me.
me: Your friend is like, a ten.
[18 years after texting a guy “I’m pregnant”]
Him: hey I just saw your text
“Hot, lo-cal singles in your area!”
– Diet ads for Cannibals
It’s cute how people just rudely walk in front of my car like they don’t realize I’ll hit them and blame it on being an Asian driver.
centipede: *walking by*
Ariel: whoa what’d you trade
Alexa is the ouija board I won’t allow in my own house, but will use in yours.
Beatles were all like “We love women.”
Zeppelin was all like “Bitch, I’m gonna leave you.”
[reading death threat]
*shrugs* Anyone with spelling this bad would definitely botch a murder.
Me: It’s time to lose my quarantine 15.
Girl Scouts: Hold my cookies.
The waiter who’s drawn the short straw today steps up to my table with a gulp.
Him: Fresh Parmesan?
Me: MAKE IT RAAAAIN!
the queerest moment of my life was a first date with a cute girl that was going really well until she said “I hate cats” and I was like ohhh and she was like “should we just end this now?” and I was like “ugh. yeah probably” and then we hugged goodbye
A guy in New York had a CVS receipt
stuck to his shoe.Luckily, a lady in Chicago saw it and
was kind enough to pull it off for him.
My neighbours were loud and rowdy last night til 3:30, waking up our kids.
So now my husband is outside starting up the leaf blower and table saw at 9am, in case you wondered what middle class suburban feuds in Canada looked like.
*house explodes into flames*
Kids: mom, what’s for dinner?
ME: I started being confused in school.
THERAPIST: Sexual confusion is norm-
ME: If America is the best country why do we use #2 pencils?
Starting tomorrow all opinions of mine directly reflect those of my employers.
I scream,
You scream,
We all scream because grandma is visiting for Christmas and she forgot her hearing aids again.
you don’t scare me. you’re not a can of biscuits i’m about to open.
14: I don’t have a signal.
Me: You kids! When I was your age, we had to stand by the phone, turn this dial-
14: It’s back.
Me: Good talk.