Grocery prices are so bad I could only afford “some purpose” flour.
You Might Also Like
My favorite part of The Little Mermaid is when Ariel signs a contract fully aware of the terms then kills the other party to get out of it.
If you love someone set them on fire. Did I get that right? Oh god what have I done. It’s SET THEM FREE isn’t it? Sorry burning loved one.
my daughter: dad I want you to meet my new boyfriend
me, modern and woke: okay great
my daughter: he’s a bee
me: *clenching my jaw* okay great
Him: It’s been 20 minutes! I know what you’re doing in there! Stop it!
Me: *in shower* No! I’ve waited all day!
Him: Don’t do it! Get out!
Me: *touching my face* You can’t stop me!
You look like the type of guy to put the “lotion” in “relotionship”.
You also look like a bad speller.
Imitation is the sincerest form of crabmeat.
Just found out the hard way that nude yoga is only acceptable when the entire class is doing it
Some of your neighbors’ doors are too sophisticated to be unlocked with a credit card. For everything else, there’s MasterCard®.
We brought home a betta fish, and I’ve officially spent more time deciding it’s name than I did naming the kids
[In bed with gf]
“Do you have any fantasies?”
Yeah, one. You know your friend Sarah, the hot one?
“Yes.. why?”
I want to hit her with my car
I shouldn’t be laughing probably but that is hilarious
My neopet probably thinks I’m dead
I can be a real tiger in bed. No, wait, wait… What’s that animal that plays dead?
I’ve dated a depressed lawyer and a manic musician, but now I’m dating an emotionally stable psychic. He’s wonderful. A happy medium.
Told my wife I wanted our kids every other weekend and she reminded me that we’re married & live together so I’d have to see them every day.
my cat was hiding under my bed like a paranoid weirdo so I put his bowl under there and he spurned it all day long & I forgot about it and of course I just awoke to the terrifying sound of an animal devouring something under my bed
Roses are red
Novels have pages
Your boss’s profit
Is your unpaid wages
[my deathbed]
Kid: Mom where are my shoes?
Do not ask me to cheer you up. I will take you to a bar and ruin both our lives
Small ad: Discreet chicken road-crossing service. No questions asked.
I signed up to bring fruit for my toddler’s holiday party at daycare. It turns out the class’s favorite fruit is blueberries which need to be cut into quarters, and I should have signed up to bring cookies.
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I didn’t notice a new piece of furniture for two months.
The first rule of fight club is: you do not tell mom that I let you watch fight club, kids
You find my yoga pants distracting…
…would you like me to take them off?
[bank heist]
rob: what’s the plan
me: tom, you get the car ready while i hold up the bank
rob: it’s “rob”
me: sorry, tom get the car ready while i rob the bank
My husband keeps texting me he loves me and that i’m hot, what a weirdo like calm down pal, we’re married
My 6yo hacker daughter has discovered that she can use her Google mini to control her brother’s Google mini in his room.
I just had to scold her for messing with him by remotely playing random music that he hates, just to troll him
I’m not ready for this.
Hypothesis, hypotenuse and hippopotamus are the same words
Stay woke, sheeples
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP*looking for condom in my “Beat It” zipper jacket*
My kids found their Kit Kats and then accused me of hiding them. Like WTF, how shameful are these kids to go into my closet?