Wife: Are you ever gonna use that workout DVD I got you?
Me: *defensively* I have been using-
Wife: Not as a coaster
Me: *sipping beverage* This is a sports drink
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did you ever just eat something because your mouth was closer than the garbage?
Husband: Trust is fundamental to marriage.
Me:
Husband:
Me: I’m still not letting you cut my hair.
Customer spelling her name:
Me: Is that V as in Victor or Z as in Zebra?
Her: Z as in Xylophone.And this, kids, is why education is key.
20 yrs from now they’ll make a movie on how Leonardo DeCaprio never won an Oscar. Plot twist the actor playing him wins an Oscar.
I work for a water company and I regularly call in fake jobs in a funny voice near me on weekends to get a call out fee and double pay overtime, nearly doubled my salary
wow, ok, unfollowing now. was a huge fan of his cooking. had no idea he was exploiting the labor of a marginalized rat
I just ran into my friend Sue. She introduced me to her second husband. I said “I wouldn’t have picked him first either.”
I’m too young to always make noises when I bend down to pick something up off the ground
With my husband’s inability to find anything, I’m really surprised we have children.
“Release the Kraken” I say as I push “clean” on the Roomba.
I was under the false impression that my kids would stop elbowing me in the bladder after they were born
Does anyone know a good locksmith? I spent the entire day cleaning the entire house and need to keep my family out.
I’m new to confession. Is it normal for the priest to cry and ask for a priest?
I have decided to leave my past behind me, so if I owe you money… I’m sorry, but I’ve moved on, and maybe it’s time that you do too.
Me [being crucified]: my God, why have you forsaken me? *life flashes before my eyes* oh yeh, that’s why.
My plan to entomb myself like a pharaoh in a pyramid stocked with everything I’ll need in the afterlife is in jeopardy because I keep eating all the Oreos.
“Vintage designer purses are not a retirement plan,” says my accountant while rubbing his temples.
law professor: you’re currently failing your ethics class
me: *slides a $20 across the desk* how about now
Protip: Never underestimate the number of sticky notes on your desk when trying to appear busy at work.
WAITRESS: anything else?
ME: check please
SERVIRKA: Něco dalšího?
Don’t tell me I’m not spontaneous. I didn’t plan that nap at all.
I was shocked as an adult to learn that the crisscross pattern made with a fork on a peanut butter cookie was not a family secret.
Mike Tyson’s apartment building
I like a woman that makes me feel alive, but also lets me know that it might not be for long.
You want me to fill my glass with ice? The thing that sunk the Titanic?
I don’t know why Coca-Cola and Pepsi are fighting over what Santa drinks, everybody knows that big fat belly can only come from beers.
the absolute shock I feel when someone brings up something I tweeted in person??? like no that was PRIVATE, it was between me and the entire internet
Ours was an impossible friendship. You were a squirrel with no identifiable markings and I could never be sure if you were you.
give a man a fish, that’s a weird gift. try something cool like a harmonica.