Stages of helping your kids with a project:
1. Ok first off, when is it due?
2. Wait, WHAT??
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*CVS lady hands me receipt
Me: we talk about these on twitter
CVS lady: why
Me: they’re long
CVS lady: is that what twitter’s for
Me: mostly
“i’m really more of a dog person.” — werewolf
WAITER: so did you enjoy your meal this evening?
GF: I DID, until some IDIOT ruined it with his food puns
ME: I cannoli assume she means you
No sadder relationship dynamic than my baby (absolutely obsessed with my 3yo) and my 3yo (continually tells us to throw her in the garbage)
just learned from my mom that my brother is contributing so heavily to chocolate milk sales at the local supermarket that they’ve requested to be notified when he leaves for college so that they don’t overstock
It used to be a 5-second rule before doggo here whittled it down to 2 seconds
wife: “no”
me: “its a good name”
wife: “keith we’re not calling the dog sarah jessica barker, keep thinking”
me:
wife:
me: “woofie goldberg”
No one cares about your plans for the weekend more than the person cutting your hair
Grabs intercom:
ANYONE WHO WOULD LIKE TO JOIN MY MILITIA, STAY HERE! WE ARE GOING TO OCCUPY THIS OLIVE GARDEN UNTIL I GET MORE BREADSTICKS
[girlfriend in a coma]
*leans in close to whisper* babe, if you can hear me…where the hell did you buy that zesty mayo?
i don’t really hate you but if you were falling off a cliff
i would be waving good bye
Your helium addiction is out of control, but nobody is taking your cry for help seriously.
The people in charge of hell sometimes visit North Korea just to exchange ideas.
How to really enjoy the rain:
1. Stand at the window (inside)
2. Put non-tea drinking hand on hip
3. Sip tea from mug
4. Say “look at that rain” or “it’s really coming down now”
5. Ask someone else if it’s raining where they are
6. Say the garden needs it
7. Eat all the biscuits
“I JUST WANT TO PUT A BABY IN YOU!”
-me, trying to put a crib together
Got the invite to your wedding. Thanks! Sadly, your blatant overuse of illegible, ornate script fonts means I don’t know when or where it is
One of my coworkers just took every friday off from now until february. so lets all collectively hate her please.
Only 10 more days til Halloween!
Grandmas be like, “My grandchild murdered someone? Oh, poor baby was probably just overtired.”
The guy I paid to pave my driveway hasn’t shown up in two weeks.
I’m not worried tho. I’m sure he’ll resurface one day.
Do men in Antarctica wake~up with morning popsicle???
I have so many chores that I need to do, what Netflix show should I binge watch?
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: the Bible is 100% accurate. Especially when thrown at close range.
she left me for good. what am i suposed to do now?
“…there ar plenty of fish in the sea”
OK DUDE FOR THE LAST TIME IM NOT GONA DATE A FISH
[in basement lab]
wife: you cant just make your own honey
me: (mouth dry, spitting pollen everywhere) I know that now Lisa.
If someone is throwing shade, they’re doing you a favor. Use it, avoid sun damage; let your perfect skin be something else for them to hate.
“sixth cousins three times removed” is not related. i’m probably sixth cousins three times removed with a martian.
Someone is yelling!
The voice is familiar…
How they rave and they rant!
Is it Jackman?
Or, Laurie?
Hefner or Grant?– Horton Hears a Hugh
-Stop expecting someone else to fix you, fix yourself
(me talking to the pile of clothes on my bed)