– dinner –
Kid 1: finishes in 18.4 seconds
Kid 2: finishes in 34.7 seconds
Kid 3: finishes in 5 hours 29 minutes
You Might Also Like
Marriage, when you drink as much as possible before your husband gets home so you can just drink 1 glass of wine in front of him.
[i bite into an apple and a swarm of bees comes flying out]
“this gives me an idea for a restaurant”
*phone rings*
Wife: “Quick! Pretend I’m not in!”
Me (a dad): “Hello. Yes my wife is here. Hey, Not In. It’s for you.”
Wife: “….”
fun fact: nike is short for nichael
not to be confused with the baby elephant-sized meteor as heavy as 4 corgis!!
At the outdoor church service today, the pastor invited the kids to use sidewalk chalk to draw things that remind them of God.
My six year olds decided to trace each other and create a crime scene.
i have faced more peer pressure to drink oat milk than to do drugs
i have feelings for you. frustration mostly, but still
[taking my final breaths after a freak accident]
Tell my family I totes love them
*gasping for air*
but like, roll your eyes real hard
Husband: Where are you going?
Me: I have to run a quick errand.
Husband: You’re going to the store to buy dessert and eat it in the car so you don’t have to share it with the kids?
Me: Maybe.
Husband: Let me grab my wallet.
As if ” cray cray” wasn’t irritating enough, people have started shortening it to ” cray”….that’s just stu stu
i’m a pretty resilient person unless something hard is happening
Everyone gets ONE famous scientologist they’re allowed to pretend isn’t really a scientologist in order to fully and purely enjoy their work.
I have no idea what Steampunk is except that it must be healthier than Fried Punk.
Every recipe should include ingredients, instructions, and which local restaurant delivers last minute
If you love something set it free then immediately tackle it by the legs.
If you see someone crying, ask if it’s because of their haircut.
I’m not taking the Democrat convention seriously until someone starts talking to a table.
I never knew how long it took a human to fall asleep until I had kids. In case you’re wondering it’s 2 hours, 3 cups of water, & 18 books.
ME: i want the ad to say “for sale: baby shoes, never worn”
AD GUY: oh wow that’s so sad
ME: totally. they’re so cute but my feet were just too big
One of many embarrassing moments for me was when someone told me that they were an equestrian and I asked how was Ecuador this time of the year
A first kiss so tentative and awkward, you regret all the time you spent practicing on your beagle.
Did I just say that out loud?
MURDERER: [looking for me] You better of hidden well or you’re dead
ME: [under bed, tears in my eyes] It’s better HAVE
it’s called boxing because smash mouth was taken
[interviewing to be a lifeguard]
me 🎶 I’m too sexy for my shirt 🎶 Too sexy for my shirt 🎶
interviewer: ok, I get it, you keep repeating that. Do you know CPR?
“Nothing suspicious about Jeffrey Epstein death” says medical examiner Eprey Jeffstein
Never eat ice cream while chatting online. Sister: why are you typing so slowly Me: well my other hands busy. She hasnt replied yet.
I don’t need to be rich, it would just be nice to live in a neighborhood where I could be confident that that noise was definitely fireworks
Stop sexualizing Facebook going down, those are people’s grandparents
This day in history. 2001. Holland legalized assisted suicide for those with terminal illnesses or “It’s a Small World” stuck in their head.