Is sandalwood what a man gets if he’s unusually turned on by a pair of his own open-toed shoes?
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mfs take one picture in a suit then start posting quotes about success, just go to the wedding bro
whats the most professional email sign off that implies if you have to follow up in any way you’re prepared to put the recipient in a wood chipper? for me it’s thanks.
unpopular opinion: The best thing young people can do early in their careers is to delete their dating apps so they can meet someone the old fashioned way (going down on catwoman)
My 3yo plays a version of hide-and-seek where if you find her, she cries.
richard dawkins got owned again. when will this man learn
‘Pop Goes The Weasel’ is my favourite song about over-inflating your mammals.
she like a man in uniform so the mcdonalds outfit here 2 stay
You’re not a real family unless you all have different names for the same dog.
Remember, when asking for a raise, it is considered customary to be sober.
She: 5 mins babe
He: Ok*discovers a new planet*
*travels to it*
*discovers life*
*returns back*He: Ready?
She: 5 mins babe
every time you use task manager to shut down an application your computer should play a gunshot sound effect and a haunting scream that’s somehow different every time.
haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come me & my friend dale are at the park watching two real estate agents trying to eat a pigeon?
I got bit by an Amazon box. Every full moon I turn into a werehouse.
Very sad to hear about Nigel Farage. Nothing’s happened to him, I’m just sad to hear about him.
If a tree falls on your ex on the woods and no one hears it you should still get rid of the chainsaw.
..Just in case!
April showers bring may flowers. What did the Mayflower bring? Smallpox
6-year-old: What if dementors attack our house?
Me: They can’t get in.
6: Why not?
Me: My patronus is a screaming toddler.
Heroes and Herpes are just one tiny letter different, and other things I find out when I’m not wearing my glasses.
Dog: I will guard you with my life!
Cat: What was your name again?
Me- We are here for some new pants for you. Please go and find a pair that you like and will wear
11- Ok
Me- *Waiting*
11- *Searches entire clothing section, returns and hands me a hat
Sorry, can’t talk right now. Too busy thinking about how the only part of my reflection I can lick is my tongue.
If you’re telling a story to a group and are interrupted and then no one asks you to continue, ruin their party by drowning in the pool.
My wife and I toss a coin to settle arguments; heads she wins, tails I apologise.
ok children, just to recap today’s lesson, let’s now repeat all the words you are not supposed to say.
Welcome to your 40s: that “teenager”over there is actually 27.
I swear the Butterfly effect has seriously gone out of control this year.
My hobbies are scrolling through twitter, charging my phone and being generally dissatisfied with things.
I’ve been a girl for 36 years, and I still don’t know how to correctly use bobby pins.
An air mattress is the best way to tell your houseguests not to stay too long.
Me: “Listen, whatever they’ve offered you to kill me, I’ll double it.”
Them: “All they offered was the experience and exposure.”
Me: “…oh no. The influencer mafia.”