goldfish mafia
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Titanic is my favorite movie about how to get rid of your boyfriend and make it look like an accident.
Welcome to your 40s…no matter how badly you want to prove to your kid that you can still do a backflip…trust me, it’s not worth it.
You can tell it’s laundry day because I’m wearing flippers and a Viking helmet
I thought I was experiencing early menopause but it turned out one of my kids set the thermostat to 87°.
[pretending to be on the phone as guy with clipboard approaches me]
“What do you mean I already do too much for charity?”
Save on air conditioning by letting ghosts infest your house.
Prayers for my husband who texted back “k” when I said “Happy Anniversary, hoping for 25 more years!”
I never go where I’m not wanted, unless you’re serving cake. If you’re serving cake I’ll be there either way.
If you’re looking for someone to drop and spill everything, all the time, I’m your guy.
[creating animals]
God- I want an animal with 2 humps
Angel- And a cute face?
G- Yes.. And make them spit at humans
A- LOL
G- LOL
I put my phone in airplane mode.
Worst. Transformer. Ever.
If I’m wrongly accused of a crime, I’m going to prison. I’m way too introverted to have an alibi.
I could see how 2 deaf guys arguing would appear to be gang related.
Doctor: Are you getting enough exercise?
Me: Define “you”
[Son’s 1st day of school]
Me: Did you make any friends today?
Son: Yes!
Me: *kneels down next to him* how do you do that?
I saw my Subway artist drinking absinthe in the alley behind the shop. This sandwich gonna be a masterpiece.
COMMENCE ANNIHILATI… Sorry, wrong notes, that’s tomorrow’s speech. Here’s the right one: You have nothing to fear from Project Omega …
ME: we sure have one great kid
WIFE: we have two kids
ME: yes we do
mad respect to the toddler that stuck their head under the gas station bathroom stall today to say hey
If you watch Benjamin Buttons backwards it’s very confusing bc you can’t understand what people are saying
wife: maybe you should start working out again
me: [literally sweating from trying to open a can of pringles] why
[first day as chinese police officer]
me: guys…it happened again.
[police radio]: okay *sigh* push your fingers in gently toward each o…
There are two wolves inside me, one just took a brisk 1 hr walk while a drinking a gallon of water and the other binged an entire show and downed a pint of ice cream.
The closest I come to hiking is when I eat trail mix.
*Librarian walks in* You know what’s great kids? You don’t need wifi to read a book!
*Kids boo*
*Someone in the crowd yells “NERD”*
me: there’s some loud construction work going on in my street, so guess you could say I’m getting hammered
everyone on this work call:
Stop destroying the earth. This is where I keep all my stuff.
WEIGHT LOSS TIP: Put your chips into a bowl instead of eating out of the bag. That way, you’ll get lots of exercise going back to the kitchen to fill up the bowl 10 times as you eat the entire bag.
I only share nudes on the off chance that person is a doctor and can spot a weird mole.
Affordable healthcare, bb!