3: *looking up at the lights* what’s that mummy?
me: they’re lights
3: no I mean the spirits in front of them
me:
me:
me:
3: what’s for dinner
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[commercial for babies]
*camera pans to a couple sleeping peacefully*
Narrator: don’t you hate this?
Interviewer: I don’t think you’re a good fit for the job.
Me: [glances up from Game Boy] What makes you say that?
I just got unfollowed by a woman that just started following me yesterday, so I guess I just had my first one night stand on twitter.
I was holding the door for an Asian guy and he said “sank you.” So I punched him. Cant believe that he brought up Pearl Harbor lke that
Stranger: nice to meet you
Me: give it time
Marriage, when you drink as much as possible before your husband gets home so you can just drink 1 glass of wine in front of him.
I think, 25 years later, it’s pretty goddamn safe to say that nobody made an entrance like Chris Farley.
Buying little gold star stickers so when people I’m speaking with say things I like I’ll stick one on their forehead.
every For Him gift guide is just like “have you considered sock?? what about TOOL??“
INTERVIEWER: tell me about a time you refused to compromise
ME: no
•a lion stalks a fawn•
•a man steps out from behind tree•
I’m Chris Hansen from NBCs to catch a predator, do u know how old that deer is?
If your neighbor has wind chimes, you have wind chimes.
My doctor said I can get back to my college weight if I simply go for a brisk three hundred mile walk each morning.
half the posts I see are people planning to go completely feral this summer and the other half are folks concerned that they’ll be permanently agoraphobic. I, for one, will be doing both
No idea who she is but I want her to know I’m a huge fan and supporter of her work ✨
Scott Baio: i’m Scott Baio and i endorse Donald Trump
Trump: who the hell is Scott Baio
Scott Baio: you know, Chachi
Trump: say Chachi then
*holds seashell to ear* new shell who dis
*planning the destruction of the human race
Super Computer: I will shut down all electronic devices
Cyborgs: We will fight all resisters
Toasters: You guys are amateurs…
[Interview]
“You were arrested for armed robbery?”
I had no choice. It’s silly to try and rob a bank without your arms.
“We’ll be in touch.”
Few people knew that Albert Einstein had a brother that was an evil scientist who created a monster from body parts.
His name was Frank
*chasing after a rooster* give me your cool hat
My favorite question is “are you a real person?” and the answer is no. I’m a sewer rat who discovered an old iphone and is now using it for nefarious purposes. Hope that settles that.
I love going to the gym this time of year because I’m a perfect example of what years of neglect and nachos can do to a body.
screw it let’s just name every sports team after colored socks
[Looking out the window]
Me: I don’t understand this show.
what the hell pray for carter everyone
Plant care tips
– Are you even listening to me?
– Of course I am
– Ok, what did I just ask you?
– If I’m listening to you
“i acknowledge that i have read and agree to the above terms and conditions”