Anxiety tip: Next time you cringe over some embarrassing moment you had years ago try to remember other people’s embarrassing moments. You can’t can you? That’s because you’re the only embarrassing human to exist, everyone else is always thinking about how cringey you are.
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[first day as a juror] *applying lipstick* which way is the hung jury
boss: your drug test came back clean
me: then my dealer’s got some explaining to do
boss: what
me: what
If you get robot arms don’t get the cheap ones [starts clapping for no reason]
Fyi dark walnut wood stain tastes nothing at all like walnuts
Demonstrated a somersault for my kid and almost died.
Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.
“Opening a llama acting school called ‘Save the Drama for your Llama.”
“No, I mean where do you see yourself in 5 years with this job?”
Just watched a guy walk out of the tanning place and immediately light a cigarette. Slow down, buddy. Don’t get all the cancer today!
Born to Do Math
#GeekySongsAndShows
“I FIXED IT!”
10’s homework question: “Which appliance in your home do you think is the most useful?”
His answer: “My mom.”
I have consumed so much potato salad the last couple of days, I’m sweating mayo
Vince Vaughn supports the right to carry guns in public. So if you ever wander into 1 of his movies, you can just shoot yourself.
Pal: That’s an impressive stingray. How’d you catch it?
Me:*flashes back to being dressed as girl stingray* You know, the regular way.
Jesus: One among you will betray me.
John: No way dude.
Matthew: No way dude.
Judas: *thumbing through designer cross catalogue* Plausible.
Satan was all alone with Eve, NAKED, at the forbidden tree and all he did was to convince her to eat a fruit? GAY.
This summer, a rom-com dares to ask the question, “Can a 9 date an 8?”
6yo: chicken is good for you. but not so good for the chicken
😳
Yesterday I told my husband I was gonna get rid of all the kid’s toys because the house is full and today he told me I couldn’t buy any new ones, as if he thinks I meant it
Denied candy because I “didn’t wear red”. Kicked out of the office because I “didn’t wear pants”. I’m tired of these Valentine’s Day rules.
Patient: There’s blood everywhere. It was horrific.
911 Dispatcher: And you said the hypnotist did this?
Patient: I think so. I was asleep.
911: Any idea what set him off?
Patient: I dunno. He just snapped.
When a kidnapper gives you* back because you’re too annoying to be around anymore, that’s called getting ridnapped
*me
manipulators b like yes i hurt u but now u hate me so I’m the true victim
I’m not sure if this is the same kind of plague, but I smeared my period blood on the door frame just in case.
My villain origin story is seeing the Twitter ad for the dog pooping toothpaste 1000 times in a day and finally snapping.
i like the aisle seat on a flight because it gives me power over the other two people next to me. you wanna go to the bathroom? need to grab something from your bag in the overhead? better ask my permission. i’m the king of row 37 bud
me: *texting* I hate to leave this in a text, but due to the new variant, I’m not coming for the holidays
spouse: *walking in the room* Did you just leave me a text?
[War Museum]
Cop: Ma’am, you called about some stolen torpedoes?
Me: Actually I said Doritos
Cop: *walks away
Me: THEY WERE COOL RANCH
I read that playing mind games will keep your brain sharp. I’ll start tonight by acting like I’m not mad when I really am mad.
*Facebook down*
Grandpa: *in the back alley* Yes, can I please get a gram of conspiracy theories