Homosexuality was classified as an illness in Sweden in 1979 — Swedes protested by calling into work sick, saying they “felt gay.”
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Just once I’d like a number between 1 and 10 to think of me.
Did you know that if you squint at a cat and it squints back, it’s the cat’s way of saying “What the f are you looking at?!”
“All my friends at school do not listen to me!”
– My 4yo who doesn’t listen to me
Me: “You kids aren’t getting any more toys until you take care of the ones you have!”
Grandma: “Here are 8,000 new toys just for existing.”
Wife: Sometimes women like bad boys.
Me: Well I just replaced real garlic in this recipe with powdered garlic.
Wife: *fans herself*
Dear Neighbours,
“She’s coming” isn’t a great warning to give when I walk by and you stop talking.
🙀🙀🙀😹
The most unbelievable part of the Bible is a 32-year-old man with twelve close friends.
I’m thinking about redesigning my house with a brand new family.
#WarAgainstPorn because they’re having sex and we’re not. No porn for anyone until everyone’s having sex, ok?
Remember when maths teachers said “you won’t have a calculator on you all the time when you’re older” well guess what, I do and I keep it in my pocket right next to my phone
The only time my doorbell rings is when someone is bringing me food so it will henceforth be called the dinner bell.
Thanks a lot bathroom doors with the gender written in weird symbols. I just want to pee, not solve a sudoku puzzle.
[god creating jellyfish]
how bout an evil bag
I startled a mom and her kids in the Back To School aisle today at work.
I came around the corner and yelled SUPPLIES!
cruella deville’s mother being killed by dalmatians is the funniest possible origin story. like what if batman had said “i am going to wear robbers”
Got fired from Taco Bell because I was lick-sealing the burritos like a joint.
Before I play it, I hold the needle from the record and whisper 3..2..1.
It’s the vinyl countdown.
***BREAKING*** sneaky teens trying to buy booze severely misjudge their height – 300ft trenchcoat behemoth said to contain 57 people
I hired a nanny to watch my kids. Little did she know they were just two sacks of potatoes. When I got home I accused her of witchcraft.
Excuse me officer, I have diplomatic immunity.
*Shows International House of Pancakes loyalty card*
Reddit really can be a magical place sometimes
A couple approaches on the beach. He calls her “Allison.” I write, “Marry me, Allison,” in the sand and hide. And now we wait.
[heaven]
Abraham Lincoln: If only I’d stayed in that night instead of going to that show.
Batman’s parents: Same.
[at Taco Bell]
Me: TWO SOFT TACOS AND A BEAN BURRITO BOYEEEEEE
Speaker: ˢᴵᴿ˒ ᴾᴸᴱᴬˢᴱ ᴾᵁᴸᴸ ᵁᴾ ᵞᴼᵁ’ᴿᴱ ᵀᴬᴸᴷᴵᴺᴳ ᵀᴼ ᴬ ᴸᴵᴳᴴᵀ ᴾᴼᴸᴱ
it’s crazy you can’t just go to prison. if you want to get in there, you have to rob a gas station there’s no other way
I don’t really want to hear about the marathon, unless of course, they add an element of suspense. Like a Bear at mile 3.
FRIEND 1: wanna see a pic of my cat
ME: yes!
FRIEND 2: wanna see a pic of my bird
ME: yes!
FRIEND 3: wanna see a pic of my dog
ME: omg yes!
FRIEND 4: wanna see a pic of my baby
ME: ugh fine
My husband better stop watching me back the car out of the driveway or I’ll hit the mailbox on purpose this time.
“Thunder only happens when it’s raining. And players only love you when they’re playing.”
I wish more songs would combine weather facts with relationship advice.
“Earth’s highest recorded temperature is 56 degrees. And women like a man who has a lot of DVDs.”