Someone cut in front of me in the salad bar line today.
I didn’t do anything because anyone who wants a salad that badly terrifies me.
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ME: let me take you to a nice dinner
HER: ok
ME: somewhere they make the food right there in front of you
HER: oh like Benihana?
ME: (slipping subway coupons back in my pocket) I guess so
On your first day in prison, make sure you go up to the warden and compliment the décor.
Never considered this before, but I might be a “local woman”
A person becomes 10 times more attractive not by their looks but by photoshop
Accidentally opened Excel. Decided to roll with it and get my life together. See you all never.
t-shirt is short for “television shirt”
As a man of means, I eat expensive beans.
As a man of class, I blame dogs for the gas.
As a man of men, I eat the beans again…
Pizza Hut is going gluten free so while you are dying from a heart attack you can atleast not have gas problems
Benedict Cumberbatch sounds like the fake name someone called Ben would give when he realised halfway through that giving his real name would be a bad idea.
NURSE: I promise. It’s ok. You can come in.
MAILMAN (trembling): are..are you sure
DR DOG: *locked in his office just going freakin nuts*
When I was 5 my life ambition was to ride on a parade float. That happened when I was 6.
I didn’t really plan past that, and still haven’t.
Can we go skydiving on our first date? I want to hear what you sound like when you think you might die.
-me, flirting
Guys! Everybody needs to stop Kung Fu fighting. Sorry, I don’t make the rules.
hello i have a very silly piece about hot dogs in the new yorker today!
you can read the whole thing here:
I’m seriously considering adoption who wants me.
Husband: Don’t the kids have swimming tonight at 6?
Me: It’s at 7.
H: Oh, I was close.
Me: Yeah, the season ended 3 weeks ago.
Friend: Did you already eat or do you want to get some food?
Me: Yes.
#Caturday
You call it day drinking I call it very old grape juice in the morning
The rare times my cat approaches me for affection, I run away and hide under the bed so she knows what that feels like.
twitter is cool because sometimes your random thoughts resonate with thousands of stupid losers
Me: are you doodling?
My kid:
My kid: idk I just saw you coming in and tried to look busy
Hello Butterball Hotline? My turkey meows when I try to stuff it in the oven. What? Are you sure? Huh. HONEY THAT’S A CAT. TAKE IT OUT.
Man: “I think I saw a UFO last night”
UFO with fake moustache: “Nah, it was probably one of them optical gases or something”
doctor: the good news is you’re dying
me: how is that good news??
doctor: i don’t like you
i like my men like i like my coffee, secretly alcoholic.
My human just got off the phone and said to me, “You won’t be a happy kitty tomorrow.”
I’m suddenly having trust issues.
My ex texted “You’ve got a friend in me. XoXo”.
I thought she was being too nice until I realized that she was talking about my buddy Dave.
Me: Did you throw your carrot-sticks in the grass?
3yr old: No, the crow did it
Me: You know you must always tell the truth, right? Fibs are bold
3yr old: *points out window
Me: *See’s crow stealing and flinging carrot-sticks in the grass
3yr old: It’s nice to say sorry.