My wife went on a lot of roller coasters when she was pregnant with our daughter Katelyn, and you can tell 馃檨
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If I was a baseball coach, I’d argue with umpires about subjective reality, stressing we can’t be sure the game is actually even happening.
Buying In Bulk
In theory: Oh good, I’ll have enough chips to last all month
In reality: I’m gonna eat 5 family size bags of chips tonight
Walked into the kitchen and saw my wife laughing while putting a banana in the garbage disposal so I think I’ll sleep in the other room.
Relationship status: I just found a piece of chicken in my hair.
I ate it.
Then looked for more.
Me: How bout we head over to my place?
Her: Nope
Me: I have a dog…
Her: Get in I’ll drive
Amazing that the townspeople didn’t like Belle what with her waking up every day and calling them a bunch of simple idiots
[At party]
Wife: Don’t pretend you’re deaf again, so you don’t have to talk to people
Me [in sign language]: What?
Colleague: Quick, the boss is on her way!
Me: That鈥檚 weird I swear that I didn鈥檛 hear her broomstick!
I’m at the Olympics, getting drunk. It’s great fun, but the American girls here sure don’t look like they do on twitter..
My wife still brings up the one time in 2014 when an open bag of popcorn fell from the top kitchen cabinet and I whispered cornfetti
Me growing up, watching Trek: Transporters are so scary. They break you down at a molecular level? Creating a whole clone? No thank you
Me now: Listen, I need to skip commuting in Boston. I am begging you to disintegrate me
The Olympic trampolining is too easy. The event should start with the contestant dragging the trampoline out of the garage while drinking and being nagged by their kids at a barbecue.
Hotel Security just knocked on my door to deliver a package. He asked for indentification. I showed him my book,with my name and face on it
Flame has not adjusted back to house life yet. She stole a cinnamon roll from the kitchen and ate it.
(to the tune of We Will Rock You)
I feed my dog dog food
{batman walking downstairs}
“Hmmm. Looks like Catwoman’s left me a present”
[the half-eaten corpse of Birdman lies lifeless on the carpet]
good let them take over I have had enough
A lot of people don’t know this but if you’re turned into a vampire you don’t actually get a vampire name.
Some of you will just be Gary the Vampire
Did you know cats are called cats because they鈥檙e roughly half the size of cattle?
this is your fault for setting him up with Medusa
Kid: …
Me: …
Kid: …
Me: …
Kid: …
Me: …
Kid: I just wanted to see you.[4:07 am]
Nextdoor doesn鈥檛 always deliver, but boy oh boy when it does…
I just found out that my mechanic doesn鈥檛 drive.
Apparently the main job qualification for being a pirate was that you had to be named after a beard.
I’ve got some sick beats.
No. Really. I need to take them to a doctor. The antibiotics aren’t working.
ME [excited about how much sodium is in my club soda]: 0mg!
ME: may I speak to the chef please? Today鈥檚 repast was magnifiqu茅
MCDONALD鈥橲 CASHIER: what
*holds a grudge*
Grudge: PUT ME DOWN!
Me: *eating ice cream straight from the carton* It’s just easier this way.
Supermarket Manager: You’re fired.