7-year-old: How late can I stay up?
Me: As late as you want if you’re doing chores.
7: I’m going to bed now.
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Man: You’re killing me
Comedian: [strangling man with cloth] this is great material
[at craft beer festival]
Me: Miller Lite, please
*ukulele girl stops playing*
Bartender: *blinks repetitively*
Baby: *throws unsweetened hemp milk bottle at me*
Just went into a women’s restroom and lifted all the toilet seats.
“Penguins mate for life. Isn’t that romantic?”
You open your mouth to answer but I spit my chewed up cake into it.
“You’re my penguin.”
Catercrombie & Fish
dad, why does my cake say “we dont want a talking cake”
“its a long story son”
The only issue with being single is when you fall asleep on the couch after dinner and are wide awake at midnight and you can’t make it someone else’s problem
I’ll never salute you, General Settings
Whenever I tinker with the idea of a having a relationship, I go spend a night with my married friends.
The number of things that are *not* rocket science is staggering.
*patting my infant son on the back*
you can fit a whole airplane in this baby
Hey hipsters, if your main function in life is to “bring back” old and dated clothing, capes should be at the top of the list.
Olympic pairs curling but it’s just me and my Roomba working together to frantically clean the hardwood floors before the wife gets home.
calling in to work dehydrated
Carrying a tube of pringles like a waiter presenting a fine bottle of wine
I always hear people bragging about weightlifting. In my opinion, if I have to grunt to pick something up, it can just stay where it is.
at the mcdonald’s self order kiosk selecting my order from behind my back like a guitar solo everyone is cheering someone just threw their bra
maybe if they didn’t want air bnb to fall they should’ve made it on the ground
During dinner 10 asked 5 to imagine a world without ketchup. She hasn’t spoken in 3 hours I think he broke her
I hate it when I forget to bring my phone in the car and have to read a shampoo bottle while I drive.
Tip for twitter newbies:
Before you start using twitter, please make sure this is really what you want to do with the rest of your life.
We need a streaming service that’s only ads. No shows, just commercials. They pay us $15 a month
Yesterday, I met a girl who runs a battery kiosk at our local park.
Yes that’s right
She sells c cells down by the seesaw!
I’m learning that a large percentage of my students believe they could talk their way out of being sent to a concentration camp.
No amount of college can prepare you for how angry you’ll get at the way people park in the real word.
me: wow you must be pretty hoarse
dracula: why would I be hoarse
me: from all that coffin lmao
I get it, McFlurry machine. I don’t work when I’m at work either.
Day 1 of diet:
forgot I was on a diet and had a milkshake and fried chicken. Will try again tomorrow.
Wait, Omicron isn’t the latest crypto currency?
If I ever had to turn myself in for a crime I would tell the cops I could describe the perpetrator and then see how long it took the sketch artist to figure it out