Fun fact: Girls who tweet about sports will not do that thing you like.
You Might Also Like
I lost 6 hours of sleep last night, lying in bed wondering if Muppets get haircuts.
So uh… what level of jumaji are we on today?
20: omg my life is going to be so aweso—
40: wtf just happened
Just now realizing my Girl Scout cookie purchase was 370 boxes too low
Deli counter guy told me bad things happen in 3’s after he dropped his phone and bumped his head, so I complained about him to management.
my premium snap prices:
-pics of me crying: $5
-videos of me crying: $10
-videos of me crying in the mirror while throwing the peace sign: $15
[first date]
ME: so where are you from?
HER: I’m Finnish
ME: oh ok then [pulls her dinner plate over & starts eating her meal]
HER: wtf?
STATUS: Using the flashlight on my phone to look for the keys that are in my hand so I can open my car cuz I think I left my phone in there.
[first date]
him: what’s the one word that best describes you?
me: I’m acerbic
him: I’ve never met anyone from Acerbia
me: no it means I have a sharp tongue
him: I bet that comes in handy when you’re chewing your food
[entering room bloody and beaten] yeah well you should see the other guy! not a scratch on him. pristine condition. altogether more pleasing to look at. huge muscles
*ball flies past
15 love
-aw thanks
*ball flies past
30 love
-too kind
*ball flies past
40 love
-you too babe
Have you played tennis before?
humans: lets invent computers so they can do work for us and we can be free to see our families or write poems or whatever
also humans: actually if you dont have a job society will murder you it turns out
I’m pretty sure 2020 came fresh from the Pet Sematary
Cashier: Bag or plastic sir
Me: Neither
(scoops up forty items under my shirt and walks out)
sleep paralysis demon: ew. why are you so sweaty?
Me: *mouth full* These instant mashed potatoes your sister sent us are awful
Him: Those are my mom’s ashes!
Me: *adding salt* That makes more sense
me 10m after sprinkling lavender essential oil on my pillow: I am one with all beings
me 10m after getting in my car: learn how to use the left lane you piece of human shit
Today I was asked why we should bother paying interns if they’re “getting experience for their résumé.”
Here’s what we have say about that:
Me: This is DISGUSTING! WHO PEED ON THE WALL?!
7yo: Not me. I only pee on the floor.
Dating tip: If you show a guy naked photos on your phone, 98% won’t notice if you steal their drink.
ME [giving a PowerPoint presentation]: *points so hard*
THE GIRL SCOUTS ANNOUNCED A NEW COOKIE NAMED RASPBERRY RALLY AND IF THEY THINK THEY’RE GOING TO GET ME TO BUY MORE OF THEIR UNHEALTHY, FATTENING COOKIES TO RUIN MY DIET, I’ll take 25 boxes please.
Tractor: ‘Let’s get to work.’
Detractor: ‘Let’s not get carried away.’
I’m currently trying not to let wearing my new Grinch onesie become my entire personality. It is surprisingly difficult.
Me, watching Stranger Things: these scientists, these fools, play not a god who rends our world in twain.
Me, in real life, if scientists discovered a portal to another dimension: *slamming fists on table* OPEN IT, OPEN IT, OPEN IT, OPEN IT
I noticed my wife and kids were wearing vests so I put one on just so I could say “vest day ever” like a million times. Then I took it off just so I could mention that I wasn’t as invested as they were.
2016 has been pretty bad but at least girls stopped drawing mustaches on their index fingers and holding them under their noses.
“Any drugs or alcohol, sir?”
“No thanks. Getting those things from a cop seems awfully setup-ish.”
ME: my wife and I do this cute thing where we finish each other’s sentences
WARDEN: no
WHAT are birds so happy about at 7am? What? Oh, right. Pooping while airborne. Good one.