If Oasis teamed up with Blur they’d be Mirage.
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Vin Diesel eats only two meals per day:
1) Breakfast
2) Breakfurious
therapist: whats the problem?
me: i keep having a reoccurring dream where there are five of me and we’re all yellow.
therapist: sounds like you’re bananas
[Cop questioning suspected watermelon thief]
COP: *squints* Was it you?
GIRAFFE (who has watermelon-sized bulge halfway down his neck): Nope
*gets taste of own medicine*
Yep this is my medicine
Doctor: “I’m sorry, sir, but you have an STD. I suggest you make a list of all your partners–”
Lou Bega: “Way ahead of you.”
the word “crocheting” pisses me off. like check out this new word guys, it’s called crowshaying but we’re gonna spell it like screaming with your head in a metal bucket.
ME: (to my heist crew) let’s ditch our getaway car in this pond
(puts rock on gas pedal, car revs into pond, disappears underwater)
ME: ok now….wait what’s that splashing
(Car emerges from the water on the far shore and just keeps going)
NARRATOR: The all new Chevy Malibu
CNN got really excited about the #TransAsia plane until they found out it’s not missing so now they don’t care.
Doctor, reading chart: “Says here you’re improving!”
Doctor: “…Oops.”
*slowly turns chart rightside up*
waiter: any water for the table
me: [to date] does he not know trees die when you cut them down or
Aries: You will be visited by three ghosts this Christmas. They’re all married, so don’t even ask.
Goldfish are the only pets with the decency to die just as the novelty wears off.
Work like you don’t need the money: Just stop and go home. Who cares? You don’t need that money
I’m sorry my dog nipped your ankles, but in all fairness you do have squirrels on your socks.
“Pres. Trump, how do you plan to respond to this attack on our soil?”
TRUMP: OK first, I’ve seen several people call me Tronald Dump online
Homophobia is stupid. Who the hell is afraid of homes.
Stranger asks you what time it is = kinda annoying
Stranger asks you what year it is = pretty concerning
Stranger asks you what century it is = extremely exciting
*In the elevator*
Guy: Good morning ladies. You two going down?
Me: No. We’re just friends
Guy: ….
No internet for 11 hours. I’ve written two novels, lost 15 pounds, and forgotten how to pronnounce “gif.”
me: “£4,000 for a beehive?”
salesman: “sir, there are 8,000 bees in there, that’s only 50p each”
me: [checking my wallet] “give me 3 bees”
I don’t have a summer home, but I do have several different email addresses.
him: i will see you in court!!!
me: so, you admit we’re seeing one another.
me: alexa what happens when we die
alexa: you get taken to the hospital for multiple stab wounds where you are pronounced dead and your wife is eventually found innocent of murder due to evidence tampering
me: wait what
alexa: what
For a cat named Jingles, his tambourine accompaniment to my blistering bongo solo isn’t that impressive.
*teaching 13 to cut the grass
Me: Go back and forth across in straight lines, slightly overlapping so you don’t miss any spots. Got it?
13: Yep
13: *cuts three circles, two triangles and a Rhombus into the yard.
Small blessings, like when the mirror fogs up and you can’t see yourself when you get out of the shower, naked.
I’m starting to get to the age where I need a well thought out plan in order to stand up.
poor people: innuendo
rich people: hoteluendo
[at funeral]
“my phone is vibrating”
want me to create a distraction so you can answer it?
“no, are you craz-
*points at casket* HE BLINKED
I love the idea of a fruitarian, just morally affronted that anyone could eat a baby spinach.