I told a joke during a zoom meeting today. Nobody laughed. It turns out, I’m not even remotely funny
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You can buy wedding cake even if there’s no wedding, those suckers don’t even check
My first day as a coal miner is going so well!! I’m so glad that damn bird finally shut up haha
Technically, any crime is a petty crime if you bring your pet to assist you during the crime.
God: And then let’s send in murder hornets
Angel: Wait, murder hornets? So they can’t go outside?
God: Not a big deal, they’re all quarantined because of Coronavirus
Angel: What if they end up allowed to go back outside?
God: Did you not just hear about the murder hornets?
When your chip basket is empty and your server’s busy.
Our ‘thoughts and prayers’ go out to all the vegans and innocent cabbages everywhere.
Kids: CARROTS?!
Me (wipes chocolate off my face): Uh yeah, the Easter bunny has PMS and decided you guys should be healthy.
Me before watching a serial killer documentary: I bet this killer was so successful because of their intelligence and cunning, and not just because of the gross incompetence of local law enforcement.
Me after watching a serial killer documentary: Well, shit.
Doggo’s polite and subtle implication that he is interested in going for a walk
5y/o just told me he’s not afraid of ghosts because “they’re not even alive”
I came home to a trail of bread leading to the bedroom & of course I followed, only to find my husband in bed with 10 ducks. I’m heartbroken
My childhood music teacher posted on FB that she’d become a grandmother. I excitedly wrote “You were pregnant with your daughter when I was in Kindergarten now she’s a mom & I even remember you named her Beth Ann I loved Washington School!” & now I know why people avoid FB.
I didn’t say you’re dumber than rocks I said you’re dumber than A rock. That’s an important distinction because if you put enough of the right kinds of rocks together and heat them you can make a computer.
As all of evolution expected, I’ve decided not to eat that butterfly with the angry looking eyes on its wings.
My stove is the most expensive cigarette lighter I’ve ever purchased.
I live in constant fear that my kid will become a famous artist or painter and I will have thrown out about a trillion dollars of her work
Kids today have iPads, but when I was little my parents kept me busy on road trips by saying, ‘keep an eye on the trailer, and let us know if it falls off.’
Doctor: you need to improve your diet what do you have for breakfast
Me: eggs
Doctor:
Me: ok reese’s eggs
GUY: my new boss is gay
ME: my new bed sheets are warm
GUY: [clearly frustrated] what does that have to do with anything?
ME: exactly
Customer: I’d like to buy some chicken soup with matzah balls
Me: Sorry, we only take cash or credit
Manager: Can I talk to you
Pink has done surprisingly well as a solo artist ever since her and Floyd split up.
Pillow 1: I hate their big heads
Pillow 2: And that dandruff
Pillow 1: Sometimes he puts me between his legs
Pillow 2: GROSS*Pillow Talk
Fortunately, I’m just tall enough to see out of these 2 holes in my face
Million dollar idea: make $100,000 ten times
I’m sure a spider is never scrutinized for spending too much time on the web.
wife: What happened to you?
me *limping* I took a nap
Job interviewer: so what’s your greatest weakness?
Me: job interviews mostly
me: *getting murdered*
wait.. did you wash your hands?
If you can’t hide the evidence, pretend to be part of an accident
no one:
my roommate at 3:26 am: hey man, did you eat the last Pop-Tart?