My overly sensitive coworker, Clint started crying when I called him Clintoris.
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[80% of bar rescue eps]
TAFFER: this employee stole $150,000 dollars from you, burned your car, and killed your dog. he says he would happily do it again. what are you gonna do?
OWNER:
TAFFER:
OWNER:
TAFFER:
OWNER:
TAFFER: you’re going to fire him
OWNER: I’m going to fire him
Since Justin Bieber has the “Beliebers” and Lady Gaga has the “Little Monsters” I’d like to name Robin Thicke’s fans “Thickeheads.”
This looks like a job for Superman!
-unemployed Superman reading the classifieds
I’ve already broken all my resolutions and like 4 commandments.
[pet store]
me: are the birds expensive?
employee: they’re going cheap
me: I know how they work
Picks up a package of hotdogs that are oozing grey liquid
Me: these say they have another week
*throws them in the cart*
I could die climbing Mount Everest or I could die sitting on my couch eating Tostitos and I think we all know which one is preferable.
(At the bar)
Woman: Hi, I think I’ve seen you somewhere before.
Me: Must be Twitter
Her: Did you say Tinder?
Me: Ya know, maybe that was it
Someone is stealing cats in my area and I hope that the cops catch the purr purr traitor.
After having a backup camera, it’s really hard to not have one. Driving my daughter’s car and I just assume that I probably backed over a short person.
Really, iTunes? You need to update my calculator app? Have there been changes to basic math that I’m unaware of?
One time I broke up with a girl so she took my silverware divider and that’s the kind of pettiness I look for in a mate.
AVRIL LAVIGNE: he was a boy, she was a girl, can I make it anymore obvious
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST:
I wish I could re-enact the fantasy scenes from 50 shades of grey. Like the one where she gets a job right after college
Oh he looks allergic to me. I’ll go sit on him
~ cats
ignorant poors: We need money! Money is so important!
wise rich man: More important than a delicious orange? more important than a beautiful day at the lake house, or a humble Rolls-Royce Phantom?
in the song “the final countdown” they do not actually count down, thus invalidating the basis of the song. furthermore,
My father: you can’t tell me what to do! THERE ARE NO RULES.
Me: …Dad, this is a card game.
You don’t want to see me when you’re angry.
My toxic trait is that I answer “spam likely” calls, because maybe I can fix them.
For our anniversary last year I told my wife “thank you for 20 happy years” and she got mad because we’ve been married for 31
My family wanted a Disney experience so I charged them $150 to stand in a line for three hours before taking our daughter to the bathroom.
“I hate it when people pretentiously drop French words and phrases into conversations” I said to my fiancé, a propos of nothing, while en route to a café to enjoy hors d’oeuvre and an apéritif.
The chicken mask stays on during chicken shopping
I would pay extra for a grocery store app that alerts me to the checkout line filled with people who apparently have never gone through a grocery store checkout line before in their life.
David Attenborough: Many animals have been known to seemingly freeze when encountering bright lights at night.
Me: *opening refrigerator* Good thing that doesn’t happen to huma-
Starting to miss the kids after 5 days at grandma’s, so I wistfully dumped a bin of toys on the floor and sprinkled crumbs on the couch.
Before you commit to a dog name, go outside at 6:30 AM with no bra on and see how it feels begging that name to poo.
Me to a friend: *complains for ten straight minutes without taking in a breath* but I really can’t complain