-Look Jim, I know you mean well, and asking people to help you write messages to your girlfriend is not exactly illegal..
-Right!
-But..
-Ugh, here it goes
-People seam to be scared when you stop them to ask questions, and you know why, Jim
-(drops his head) cause I’m a cop
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“I’m halving a baby!” – King Solomon
Listen son, you know how you find an awesome song & you listen to it over and over again until you hate it? Well, I’m leaving your mother.
How did Kim Kardashian get her hands on Liberace’s bath robe? #GrammysRedCarpet
Day 3 of my thirty minute DIY project
medium: so you want to contact your wife
wife: *muffled* open the door
me: sometimes I can still hear her voice
wife: *through the window* I forgot my keys
me: it’s like she’s here watching over me
Me, waiting for my husband to realize that I was right.
*lowers head
*breaks thru 5 tackles
*hurdles lineman
*runs 100 yards
*hamstrung at goal line
*dragged back to line of scrimmage-my wedding
“..so that’s the story of Christmas. Questions?”
Where do turtledoves come from?
“Well, when a turtle and a dove really love each other..”
Just in case you’re thinking about having kids, I just broke up an argument about “excessive angry blinking” at each other.
My birthday suit doesn’t fit me anymore.
Actually, I thought 50 Shades Of Grey was about Taco Bell meat.
Did my fruit just move?
Pear-anormal activity
[buys ghostbusters ringtone]
ME: who ya gonna call?
[1 hour later]
ME: who ya gonna call?!
[2 days later]
ME: *sobbing* I am so lonely
King Charles should make Sir Elton and Sir Paul joust.
Unpopular opinion: Not all Canadians are sorry
The human race: shoots a math problem into space
Aliens: ah christ a species of nerds
Kylie Jenner is having a Handmaids Tale themed birthday party and Justin Bieber wants to fight Tom Cruise and boy howdy is that meteor late
Kid: I love you
Me: to the moon?
Kid: yeah
Me: and back?
Kid: yeah
Me: and back again?
Kid: no, that’s too much love
*puts on workout clothes*
*opens a jumbo size bag of Doritos*
DATE: I’m a historian, I love the mediaeval era
ME: [trying to impress her] *dies at 28*
Apparently it’s “against church policy” to drop your kids off in the nursery and then go to brunch.
My best friend just ask me to be her maid of honor. What did I ever do to her???
Angel: What up?
God: Creating 3 y/o’s
Angel: Is it broken?It keeps repeating itself & has no volume control
God: ya it’s gunna be hilarious
That pet Koala is like, “Ain’t y’all pets too?”
Me:*looks up from phone*
Okay, it was Mr. Plum in the ballroom with the wrench.Family:
M:
Mom: We stopped playing that game 5 hours ago.
You can’t hurt me. You aren’t my GF coming back after 3 days away, only to walk past me to say hello to the dogs first.
In grocery store & guy grabs my hand,starts to walk.I go with him, till he turns & realizes I’m not his wife.We broke it off…Single again
I have what CNN is calling ‘snow fatigue’ symptoms include:
Being tired of winter
A sudden desire for spring
Thoughts of murderous rage
Almost done with my screenplay about the end of the world, and only cats survive.
I call it “Apocalypse Meow”.
I’m chunky but I always wear activewear in public so that people think I’m at least doing something about it.