Recent studies show that eating bacon or other red meats increases your chances of dying by 20%
So apparently I have a 120% chance of dying
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If God wanted us to be vegetarians, he would have made broccoli more fun to shoot at.
As a white man, it’s hard to deal with the fact that I have a far greater chance of becoming a serial killer than I do of becoming a rapper.
My online dating profile just says ‘Invented Karate’ so the rest of you guys can just give up now.
People say ‘bullshit’ like their shit is so high and mighty.
GF: that spoon is still dirty
ME: but I just got it out of the dishwasher
GF: I can see the mayo on it
ME: yeah but it’s clean mayo now
Who teaches the chickens to fry a steak?
If I had a dollar for anytime a man said he was in love with me I would definitely be homeless
God, designing a toddler: ya know what would be hilarious would be if it has no ability to reason but talks nonstop. Also make it trip a lot
Hormones: hey what’s up?
Me: just reading a book.
Hormones: LET’S GET ANGRY.
Me: wait no—
Hormones: AND CRY.
Parkour was invented in 1973 when a guy tripped in front of a hot girl and tried to play it off
Shout out to God for giving me the strength to walk away from stupid people without slapping them.
[The Gorge in the Pride lands]
Water buffalo 1: *tramples over Mufasa* Didn’t we go to that guy’s baby shower?
Water buffalo 2: *shrugs*
Him: [handing me $20] here’s your Christmas present
Me: thanks [handing it back] here’s yours
Did the poop challenge on my daughter , 😭🥺🥰 (used peanut butter) but this was her reaction 😂
Gosh I love her sooo much ‼️
[when we’re a quarter of the way there]
Bon Jovi: OOOOOOOOOH WE-
Me: not yet Bon Jovi
[5:30AM]
BRAIN: I’ll just go to the bathroom, but keep my eyes closed so I don’t wake up.
BODY: I’ll just clip my head on the door frame.
People laughed when I said I wanted to be a professional snooker player. They’re not laughing now because it was ages ago.
Boss: Did you bring the reports?
Me: Hold on.
*reaches into pockets and pulls out two middle fingers*
Boss: I resign. You’re the boss now.
The only thing worse than discovering that celery is an aphrodisiac, is knowing that people who eat celery may actually have sex.
“It’s a bird!”
[Superman zooms down to inches away from the screaming guy’s face]
S: Birds can’t go that fast Sean. What are you an idiot
I just learned that snails can sleep for 3 years at a time and it looks like I have a new spirit animal (sorry wombats)
her: wanna go upstairs
me: yes
her: do u have protection
me: [nervously] why what’s up there
*runs 3 steps*
my heart: if u don’t stop i will
My parents waited way too long to tell me about Santa and the Easter Bunny. I was so mad I got in my car & drove away.
The first rule of Hide a Vegetable in a Sentence Club is always be true to yourself.
They say 9 or 10 is a good age to tell your kid they were adopted, but only IF they were adopted.
My son, 5, scared of the thunder.
I told him that was silly considering the sun could explode any day, killing us all.
Think that helped.
I leave notes around the house to remind me of things I need to do, like “Pick up milk” or “Pay gas bill” or “Stop wasting your life away”
After slaving away making a full Christmas dinner, my 3yo looked lovingly at me and smiled. Then five simple words left her mouth… “can I have cereal instead?”
Apples are actually bad for your health! Scientists have discovered that everyone who ate an Apple during the 15th Century is now dead.