me: how do you say one in Spanish anyway
them: uno
me: no i don’t
You Might Also Like
#NoRestForTheWicked
Every night, as I scoop the clumps of waste from the litter box, I wonder to myself what it would be like to have a cat.
When I was a kid there were two ways to die, natural causes and talking back to your parents
I bought satin sheets and satin pajamas. When I went to jump into bed I ended up in my neighbors garage.
one of my fav things about friendships is that when they start, you send memes by saying “i thought you’d like this one” and they respond by saying “i really do, thank you!” and eventually that grows into you just being like “yooOOOAKSLDJS” and them just being like “HOLyyOmfnfnf”
would Iove a queer bar called something normal. Instead it’s like here I am spending another night at the gaping hole
*in a desperate attempt to impress my daughter with magic, i pull a fully cooked turkey with all the trimmings from behind her ear*
{nervously} is this your card?
If I were a cop, I’d focus on the people going the speed limit. They’re the ones with something to hide.
Her: I <3 you.
Me: I… I sideways balls you too.
surgeon: you can’t lift anything over ten pounds for 6 weeks.
me: how am i supposed to pee?
*surgeon high-fives me*
We never got the wreath, but we put up the hanger. This shows intent.
No matter the event, in the Midwest they bring you a casserole. Divorced- casserole. Grandpa died- casserole. You married your first cousin- casserole
There’s no occasion where cheese and canned cream of soup can’t bring everyone together
Me: Wow, I would pay to see that.
Theatre Ticket Office: Yes Sir, that’s the general idea.
There is no bigger liar than the person who named the everything bagel.
Really, there’s no need to ever take your kids anywhere fun because they can just sit and complain at home for a lot less money.
Pretty much everyone I’ve ever met has told me to stop exaggerating
I am on a diet. This is just my cheat decade
As Vladimir Putin announces he’s seeking re-election in 2018, world leaders congratulate him on his landslide victory.
I live by 2 simple rules:
1. Don’t treat people like shit.
2. If any melted cheese gets on your paper plate, you must also eat the plate.
I’m always fascinated when people in movies run from a madman and then hide and hold their breath. Sometimes I snort for air and get a little sweaty while reaching for a puzzle piece that’s juuuuust out of reach across the table.
IKEA is a great place to hear “Babe?” 10,000 times in one afternoon.
[quietly tries to open a can of beer]
driving instructor: what was that
I’m sorry to hear your uncle was run over by a boat in Venice. My gondolences.
I should have seen this breakup coming…. The nicest thing she ever said to me was,
“Oh wow, that car almost hit you.”
“Get at least 8 hours of beauty sleep. 9 if you’re ugly.” – Betty White
good work, detective
*at casino*
When he hands you $100 and asks you to go get chips, do not ask him Doritos or Lays. Get both.
It will leave him speechless.
Maybe the raccoons threw away something very important. Did you ever think about that you big jerk.
What idiot called it Airport Facilities Maintenance and not Hangar Management?
I don’t wanna last longer in bed, I got post coital jokes.