SICK of gossip rags only being interested in famous people. Can someone please investigate the woman in my building who put a salad in the recycling bin
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I dated my financial advisor for like a year but I lost interest.
I’m your girl in the apocalypse till there’s something that needs to be opened because I have no muscles in my hands 😭😭😭😭
I just typed “cupkale” instead of “cupcake” and accidentally invented what has to be the worst dessert idea in the history of mankind.
My boss asked me for a brief word. I said “underpants?” and we laughed and laughed and I’m clearing out my desk.
Not really sure why I have a Google Home, it’s only inadvertently used by people on my TV.
I swear people love me but my Uber score says differently.
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
Nobody:
Me to my alien: so basically you make a dinner the kids say they like and then they cry because they don’t like that food anymore
Pelican trying to eat a capybara.. 😅
“WHY ARE THEY STEALING OUR TRASH!?”
~ My kid, horrified that the garbage men are doing their job.
I accidentally walked into an open mic comedy night in a cafe where immediately upon walking in the comic said “look at this guy he’s gonna leave soon”
Last night I woke up freezing and discovered that my husband had stolen all the covers. I did what any mature, married woman would do; I woke him up and told him I heard a strange noise downstairs.
Everyone please stop saying that today’s date only happens once. EVERY date only happens once, that’s how time works.
i have to be eating a burrito for the facial recognition to work
My wife left me because of my gambling addiction.
But I know I can win her back.
[100 degree summer day]
me: this is so nice, I’ve got the AC running, TV and a pizza
people who love camping: ok, hear me out
Splinter: my sons i have good news and bad news
Leonardo: what’s the good news
Splinter: after 16 years of training you are ready to leave the sewers
Raphael: what’s the bad news
Splinter: your shells have grown too big to fit thru the manhole
It’s important to remember where you parked the get away vehicle.
me: can i get a big mac
employee: sir, this is a Burger King
me: sorry can i get a big mac, your majesty
I’m pretty sure M. Night Shyamalan is directing 2020.
Cop: *kicks door open* it’s time to take out the trash
Cop’s wife: stop kicking the door
Money can’t buy you love, but it can buy you toilet paper.
Which is basically the same thing.
*Panda walks into shop, “A packet of nuts please.”
Assistant: “pandas don’t eat nuts.”
-“dammit” panda suit opens and 36 squirrels run off.
How many dates should you wait before you tell a girl that you’re just a barn owl
Those turkeys presidents pardon? HUGE campaign donors.
*covers puddle with a jacket so a lady won’t get her shoes wet*
LADY: MY JACKET!!!
genie: you have 3 wishes
cat: i want to go out
genie: ok
cat: and back in again
genie: done
cat: and back out again
genie: ffs
My phone autocorrects ‘sex’ into ‘pez’ in case you were wondering just how dead my pez life is.
still not “these beanie babies are going to be worth so much later on” rich and it hurts.
Chasing a chicken around the yard for 20 minutes is my Thursday morning or as my dog refers to it,”The greatest morning in the history of the earth.”