classic mixup
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If Minnie Driver married Bradley Cooper her name would be oh god I can’t even finish this one
“can you send us a writing sample?” no but i can send you multiple screenshots of me killing it in the group chat
Sorry I commented on that video of your kid taking his first steps with “aw look you taught it how to walk on its hind legs!”
H: I’m going to the strip club tonight.
M: okay
H: That’s it, okay?
M: Sure, just remember who prepares your food.
H: What?
M: What?
I ran a whole 5K and didn’t even eradicate cancer
WIFE (noticing lipstick on my collar): have you been kissing another woman?
ME: uhh
MY DOG (with bright pink lips): go on, tell her
My dad calls my mom beautiful after 55 years of marriage, but I’m starting to suspect it’s because he forgot her name.
My kids fed chips to some seagulls and now we have to go into the witness protection program.
Leo: Your natural selfishness will play to your advantage today when you spot a donut in the hands of a child you could easily overpower.
Stereotypes are like mass graves. They’re both offensive ways to lump groups of people together
“Your colon will thank you”
Me: I don’t like it when my colon talks to me
There’s a song playing in Panera that goes “I got your Christmas right here”, and this just sounds so aggressive to me .
Hot, single, raccoons in your area want to rummage through your garbage.
ME: nice fanny pack u weirdo
KANGAROO: *puts phone in pouch, pulls out a knife*
ME: holy shit
A new poll shows that half of people would keep their current car forever if they could. “And now you CAN!” said the cost of living.
My Mom gives me the weather report for a place 3,000 miles away just in case I’m planning a spontaneous road trip that day.
“Watch what happens when the human children hear the sound of their mother eating something four rooms away.”
-if animals made nature shows
What?
THERAPIST: What do u wish for?
WIFE [smiles at me] That we regain the passion & intimacy of our early years together
ME: A penguin butler
“Mom…dad…the truth is…I just don’t like steampunk.”
*mother weeps into a handkerchief on a telescoping brass gimble-arm*
*father shouts, ‘You’re no son of mine!’ and flies away in his gear-driven veloci-thopter*
Blizzard after 3 years of Overwatch lore development
I always keep pepper spray in my purse, you know, in case someone tries to attack me or make small talk
3 yr old: Grandpa, did your parents name you grandpa?
[Staring at bedroom ceiling]
Her:Don’t worry. It happens to every guy
Me:Not to me it doesn’t!
*resumes trying to unscrew lid from pasta jar
I don’t understand baby oil what are we greasin up all those babies for
I attend online school everyday.
My kid joins in whenever he feels like it.
If you’re wearing slippers in the car, the chances of your child needing you to run in somewhere increase by 500%.
The little toadstool has spoken.
Trick-or-Treaters don’t like it when you offer them a healthier alternative to sweets, like an old wardrobe I want rid of.
Charlotte’s Web is the book that inspired a generation of vegetarians. It’s true. I read it when I was 7 & I haven’t eaten a spider since