[demon possessing me is forcing me to walk into a chapel]
Me: are you breaking up with me?!
Demon: no- wait, do you actually think we’re a couple?
Me: *shyly blushing* well, you are inside of me
Demon: why are you this way
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For Sale : Used Facebook account ~ get up to the minute weather forecast, religious counseling and countless pictures of Jenny’s cat.
When you stop being a vegan –
is it called losing your veganity ?
ME: *tiptoes quietly out of the house alone at 3am* *drives 20 miles into the countryside* *goes into a cave and walks a mile through a series of tunnels* *enters a lead-lined room* *quietly opens a packet of crisps*
MY DOG: *ears prick up*
BRAAAAAIDS
-zombie sleepover
I hate it when strangers question me. I’m with my kid, & this lady goes, ‘He’s cute. Who does he look like?’ I’m like, ‘Your husband’
Firing squad leader: Any last words?
Me: I’d like to thank my arms for always being by my side haha
Firing squad leader: ok we’re gonna somehow try to kill you twice
thought I saw two girls fighting, turned out to be one drunk girl trying to take off a hoodie
Has anyone ever had a polite awakening?
Wolverines are just smaller, easier to peel wolves.
Apparently, Walt Disney was a secret FBI snitch for 26 years so I guess you could say he was a rat who was famous for drawing a mouse.
A man drove his expensive car into a tree and found out how a Mercedes bends
Just learnt how a cat yowls on heat. So glad we as humans don’t do it the same way
Everyone Who Runs A Red Light: A**hole, piece of shit, danger to everyone, should be arrested, ugly
You Running Red Light: Unavoidable, intersection is stupid, on your way to save orphans, totally cute
Whenever I go to Subway, when they ask if I would like my sandwich toasted, I say yes & then I raise my cup of Coke & say, “To my sandwich!”
4yo: Bam!
Me: Excuse me?!
7yo: He didn’t say dammit!
2yo: Dammit?
Me: 🤦♀️
[raises hand in English class]
Why do we need to be learned English?
“Hmm.. Couldn’t have worded that better myself, Luke”
Coffee helps me remember….
Everybody’s name
My passwords
Sense of humour
Woods ❌
I mean wordsI never said it was easy.
ME: *making tiny wigs for birds*
BALD EAGLE: finally
Look for the opportunities in life. Like when nobody’s looking and you can finally address that wedgie.
HULK:*smashes a tank*
IRON MAN:*flies bomb into space to save mankind*
HAWKEYE: I have an arrow w/ your name on it pal, hold on stand still
*Sad trombone noise*
Cop [holding breathalyser] “How the hell did you do that?”
My young nephew said that people with glasses should only be able to marry other people with glasses. He’s like a tiny Republican senator.
[cruising down highway in friend’s car with windows down]
me: [opens bag of glitter]
Pulling my treadmill out of the closet after an 11 month vacation, I’m pretty sure I heard it say “not this again.“
Working out in the rose garden today and came face to face with a territorial bee, I took a couple of swats at it and pissed it off, now she’s daring me to open the screen door.
People say you can’t avoid death but I’ve been doing it all my life.
“one time, I saw a wino eating grapes. I was like, dude, you have to wait”
me: i can’t believe you cheated on me
him: phew! I was worried you’d believe it
Nobody puts baby in a corndog.
If it takes 13 muscles to smile and 33 to frown, how do we tell if someone’s happy and not just lazy?