April is alcohol awareness month…..I think we’re all aware.
Cheers!
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BILLY CORGAN: the world is a vampire
ME: wouldn’t it explode into flames as soon as the sun hit it then?
BILLY: shut up *runs off crying*
Laundry:
Washing – 30 mins
Drying – 60 mins
Putting away – 7-10 business days.
[chef interview]
BOSS: Are you familiar with kitchen jargon
ME: Yeah, that means you’re missing a jar
ceimr
thats “crime” but in alphabetical order
organized crime
A boy at school tells me I’m looking like a snack. I plead with him to take it back, but it is too late. My teachers huddle around me with a bloodthirsty look in their eyes.
“D I D Y O U B R I N G E N O U G H
T O S H A R E”
What kind of educational background do you need to have to work at the gas station that directs teens to their deaths in a horror movie?
she wears short skirts, I get steamed up
she’s cheer captain and I’m a little teapot
It was the best of times, it was the worst of times, it was the even worster of times, it was the most worster-est ever of times.
They say dress for the job you want not the job you have so I’m wearing no pants. Boss seems angry tho. She must know I’m looking elsewhere.
Hipster sushi restaurants only serve eye rolls.
Scientists are just wizards who don’t take fashion risks.
Him: I love you, you smart, gorgeous woman.
Me: *Picks bug off of him and eats it*
I never go where I’m not wanted, unless you’re serving cake. If you’re serving cake I’ll be there either way.
The most unrealistic part of cooking shows is when they have enough room in their fridge to fit an entire baking sheet.
Can we skip the sex and go straight to the sandwich?
My mom sent me a text message so long I had to refill my adderall prescription to read it
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘mnemonic’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Memory Needs Every Method Of Nurturing Its Capacity
ME: i love you
HER: i love you too
ME: …ok wow i put my heart on the line and you’re telling me your favorite band
I own 2 crabs. One is happy and the other is grumpy. The happy one is crab A.
The grumpy one is crab B.
Anytime I need to leave my name for a server to yell out later when my order is ready I always say it’s “Marco”.
Any bird can be a woodpecker if it’s stupid enough
Doc I keep throwing up
Did u eat anything odd lately
No
What about that bottle youre holding labelled “lizard juice”
You said eat, idiot
“You’re going to have to open your mouth wider than that”
I’m at the dentist you pervs!
[Cop questioning suspected watermelon thief]
COP: *squints* Was it you?
GIRAFFE (who has watermelon-sized bulge halfway down his neck): Nope
I’ve got three children’s parties in the next 24 hours.
If I don’t make it: tell my kids it’s their fault.
[me going to literally any sporting event] i better wear my sneakers in case they need another player
I get more sympathy when I say that I don’t have a Costco near me than when I say someone died
GUY 1: a bee flew in my eye
GUY 2: I just ate a bird
GUY IN BACK: I can’t hear u
TOGETHER: there must be a better way
NARRATOR: windshields
Kid at the park just told me it’s her birthday today. I asked her how old she is and she said five and a half. Story absolutely crumbling
– i got you these to show you how i feel about you.
– but i’m allergic to flowers.
– i know…