me: I hate when the bank is crowded like this
[outside]
getaway driver: is he in line
You Might Also Like
Not to be dramatic, but learning how to read has ruined my life
Me: I have to fast for my bloodwork tomorrow. This is absolute torture. I feel weak already.
Husband: You’ve only been fasting for an hour. ONE HOUR!
[Veterans Hospital]
GRAMPS {waking from 72 year coma caused by D-Day head injury}: Did we beat the Nazis?
ME: Haha, well…interesting story
Productive day sketching while waiting at the DMV.
Me: Table for four, please. And can we get some crayons?
Her: Will there be children dining today?
Me: No. The crayons are for me.
I keep all my crystals charged in case I get stressed out and need to transfer negative energy, and this seems completely sane and normal until I tell another adult human and see the look on their face
[on the way to the hospital]
GF: “let me get this straight. You thoug-”
Me: I thought that the mouse trap would detect that I am not a mouse
and this one
At some point I need to admit my ‘guilty pleasure’ music taste is just my music taste now
Mulder: we’re trapped with ghosts in the stomach of a metal worm.
Scully: those are just people, Mulder. We’re on a train.
Constantly torn between “Let’s automate it, it will save time!” and “I’ve spent 3 days automating a 30 minutes task”
5yo [pulling a baby hat out of a drawer]: Why do we have this? Is this for when we have more babies?
Me: Ye-
Husband: NO MORE BABIES.
If you gotta turn on the oven for nachos you might as well make a cake too. It’s in the bible, I think.
me: *gritting my teeth* they will pay for this. you’ll see. they will ALL pay for this
waitress: okaaay… so separate checks then?
90% of parenting a little girl is chasing her around the house with a hair brush and a ponytail holder.
If by cleaning the house you mean did I light a scented candle then yes I cleaned the house
grampa: no controversial topics this Christmas—
me: it’s not controversial
grampa: don’t start
me: Santa is more powerful than the X-Men
grampa: Phoenix would DESTROY San—
me: SPEED, OMNISCIENCE, FLIGHT—
grampa: HE CAN’T FLY IF SHE WIPES REINDEER FROM EXISTENCE!
I wrote ‘WILL YOU MARRY ME?’ on a balloon. However, before I could propose…
-I popped the question
Anytime I’m using a stall in a public restroom and someone knocks on the door, I always say, “Did you bring the lube?” As loud as possible.
HER: i like a guy who will hold a door for a lady
ME [trying to impress her]: *cuddles my jim morrison body pillow*
I joined a poker tournament with a bunch of people who do origami. I’m gonna dominate, cause these guys always fold.
“I don’t have to outrun the bear! Just you!” Wrong. Bears are so sick of that joke, they skip the slow guy and eat the fast guy now.
Son: how will I know when I’m a grown-up?
Me: certain foods will make your stomach hurt.
*tornado takes out half of my house*
Me: (without looking up from my phone) hey guys is the internet not working for you?
[trying on a camouflage jacket]
Me: how much is this
Store Clerk: how much is what
Okay with female deers & drops of golden sun. But always felt that “La” deserved a better identity than “a note to follow So”
if she doesn’t reciprocate ur first “i love u”, press ur finger to ur strategically placed bluetooth & say “oh cool u love me too? nice”
Son: Your makeup looks weird
Me: I’m not wearing any
S O O N
“What seems to be the problem, officer?”