the joker: lol i’m going to get rid of the one thing you care most about
batman [through gritted teeth]: pancakes
robin [slowly being dropped into pool of sharks]: what
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4-yr-old saw picture of me pregnant.
I explain that she was inside me. She thought for a bit then said:
“I never want to do that again.”
Find out where your enemy lives and release 10,000 woodpeckers in his neighborhood.
You’re born, you grow up, have kids, Mick Jagger is still alive, you die, your kids have kids, Mick Jagger is still alive……
[11 has been working on his homework for 1 hour]
11: Guess what, there are only 3 people in the U.S. with my exact name.
Me: What class is this for?
11: I haven’t started yet.
Whoa 😂
You give me that many goddamn birds for one f****** holiday and I’m grilling the shit out of them. Lemon pepper turtle doves, anyone?
My wife handles our kids like a boss. The only problem is she make me do it too 😂
At cardio class tonight, a 22yo size 0 told me “you run fast for someone your age” so now I have a body to bury if anyone wants to help me.
*plastic vampire teeth falling out of my mouth* are you theriouthly breaking up wiff me??
My response to my boss when he tells me to work harder when I haven’t had a raise in eight years:
I’m not sure what everyone at my coworking space does for work, but I’m pretty sure one guy’s job is chewing.
What’s the point of making people like Paul McCartney and Elton John knights if they’re not going to joust?
my ex just blocked me on twitter but i’m not gonna text him to ask him why bc i’m mature, i respect his boundaries and also he’s already blocked my number.
The cable guy was on my street and asked me what time it was.
I told him it’s between 8am and 12pm.
coworker offered me a distressed bookshelf, like wtf did he do to that poor thing
I just read a story about someone finding a dead body at a Walmart. HOW EMBARRASING, I’d never be caught dead at a Walmart.
Me: [walking into Maternity Ward with my teenagers]: WHAT IS YOUR RETURN POLICY
I just want the confidence of my grandpa in church taking a call from the pharmacy on speaker phone to confirm his Viagra prescription.
im all 3
I’m two types of woman. One who is extremely hard on herself & one who can’t stop giggling because she just said hard on.
I will literally eat plates of junk and think nothing of it, then eat a single berry and Google its health benefits
[on a test drive]
Me: Haha the heated seat feels like I peed my pants!
Dealer: This car doesn’t have heated seats.
Me: Does it have napkins?
Person: *wearing cargo shorts*
Kangaroo: that guy must have a lot of babies.
One of my foster dogs chewed up my credit card and now my husband wants to keep him
Person: you only live once
Me: that is the best news I’ve heard all day
PHYSICIST: There are infinite universes, more than you can imagine
ME: That means there exists a universe in which all my tweets are funny
PHYSICIST: Not that many
I’m not fat. Just retaining cookies.
I forgot how to eat at a restaurant am I supposed to bring netflix with me or will they have my computer there?
Just heard local reports of a stalker, which is funny because I watch everyone through their windows and none of them look suspicious
Watching Prosecuting Evil. Annnnddddd every episode so far is within 100 miles of my house. No worries, absolutely no reason to worry.