I get naked from the waist down before getting in the pool, because it’s gross to pee in your bikini.
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Pack some crackers, we’re going on a cheeseabout.
I just walked up three flights of stairs really fast, so if anyone needs me, I’ll be dead at the top of the stairwell.
Look, I don’t have kids, and I’m not a lawyer, but if YOU have kids and could start up a Baby Fight Club and video the results, I really think it would help bring this country together.
How to properly use a paper clip:
1. Throw in garbage
2. Use a stapler
Me trying on those leggings I bought before the pandemic
History Channel, 1995: Here’s some things that happened
History Channel, 2005: Here’s some things that could have happened
History Channel, 2015: Here’s some things that realistically never happen
History Channel, 2025: Here’s some aliens that restore ice road trucks for war
getting a rib removed so i can suck my own rib
[tells friend cat passed away]
Is there anything I can do?
Yes [holds up fur coat] put this on & lie in my lap
But I-
[starts crying]
OK OK
mother’s day idea: treat your mom as she has treated you! force her to take piano lessons
running away to greece is ok. sleeping with 3 men in one summer is ok. not knowing which one of them is the father of ur daughter is ok. encountering the 3 of them at her wedding is ok. only communicating through abba songs is ok. do whatever u need to do to cope.
“sorry i went off topic haha” -me, never having been anywhere near a topic
*puts ex in Memory Lane*
*revs car engine*
You’re not meeting me at my best, my best was like 10 minutes 16 years ago
WIFE: good news hun we’re up this quarter.
ME: oh yeah? How much?
WIFE: *holding up a coin* this quarter.
*pokes head out of dressing room*
uh yeah, i can’t find a single bottle of ranch in here
“Asparagus!!!” – italian guy named Gus pleading for his life
I took my cat to Build-A-Bear so he could see what’s going to happen to him if he pees on the carpet again.
my son just asked me where do pizzas come from adn has yet to ask me where do babeys come from. thats my boy
Whenever a boomer asks if I know who a musician is, I just confidently say they were in Fleetwood Mac, cause it’s probably true
If you complain about not being able to find your boyfriends name on a keychain that store will think you have a boyfriend
Me: Come quick! I’ve created a reservoir for pet Dutch rodents!
Wife: I don’t like where this is going.
Me: I call it a Hamster Dam.
Wife: I’ll be at the bar
[phone sex]
GF: Tell me you want me
ME: I want you badly
GF: How badly?
ME: I want you [checking thesaurus in a panic] haphazardly
Me*taps wife’s shoulder*Whatcha doin?
wife:Meditating
me*still tapping*Why?
wife: It helps me relax
me*still tapping* Is it working?
wife:No
I need some sun. My legs are so white they just drove to Whole Foods in their Prius.
ME: don’t involve me in your bullshit
SON: it’s called homework
My friends wife threatened to leave him over his Star Wars collectibles and I was like divorce is strong in this one.
[ First day as a bartender ]
Me: *unzips customers pants*
Him: wtf!?
Me: you said make it stiff
[watching two deer have sex] well, that’s one way to make a buck
Toys ‘R Us pulled Breaking Bad figures because the characters sold drugs, but continue to sell Darth Vader ones, and he blew up a planet.