Wearing my lesbian boots today. Well, they’re faux lesbian. I don’t believe in using lesbians for leather, even if they’re farm-raised.
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im awake if anyone wants to go on a cute forest hike and feed me to a bear
Me: I’d like to bring my puppy in to see how much she weighs.
Vet: Just weigh yourself then weigh yourself holding her and subtract.
Me: no thank you
When I die, I’d like a closed casket funeral, but I’d like my body to be painted on the top of the casket, only with a lot more muscles added.
2010’s:
Swallowing a Tide pod2020’s:
Swallowing an Air pod
The only bucket list I have and can finish is at KFC.
Optimus Regular will save us in 3-5 days and he’s a lot cheaper, i’m fine with that
Baby let’s play doctor. I’ll go first. You owe me $3200.
My niece looks like me. She sometimes rolls her eyes or makes faces the way I do. And my brother said he can’t believe he has to grow up with me twice.
How do you tell your spouse you were fired from SpaghettiOs for honoring Pearl Harbor Day with a smiling cartoon noodle holding a flag?
The toughest test in a marriage is interpreting the statement, “Don’t get me anything for Christmas.”
And then there were 4
A demon that writes messages on your mirror with blood but they’re useful messages. Like “remember you have yoga at 6 tonight”
When my son loses his 1st tooth, Im putting $1 under his pillow and a note that says “I’ll be back with a hammer for the rest. -Tooth Fairy”
a whale can launch it’s entire body out of the ocean and you have trouble getting out of bed in the morning
Husband: “You should try going to bed earlier.”
Me: “You should take the 3yo to work with you.”
Him: “I’d get nothing done.”
Me: “EXACTLY.”
Life would be so much simpler if you could just smack the stupid out of people instead having to reason with them.
Camping?
No thank you.If I wanted to sleep outside I wouldn’t pay my mortgage.
As I was going through my wallet for a second I thought I got robbed… And then I remembered I got gas.
Cooking oats with oat milk always feels like cannibalism and I’m not even an oat
[Date]
Her: Any hobbies?
Me: Monging mostly.
Her: Huh?
Me: I’m a monger
Her: Huh?
Me: Iron, fish, war… You name it — I’ll monger it
You can’t break me, kid. My generation survived dial-up AOL and texting on a flip phone.
Not too proud of the sounds I just made when a mouse popped out of a bag I grabbed in the garage.
Honey Boo Boo evolves into Sugar Scab! Pokemon is back baby!
*writes ‘amount to something’ on bucket list*
*crosses it out*
*writes ‘mount something’*Yeah. That’s do-able.
Please donate 30$ to my child’s school funrun so she can get a pencil as a prize, thank you
bored gunna start making up careers: milk sommelier, door to door toothbrush salesman, Sponge repairman, host of america’s funniest sex tapes, Secretary of toiletries, train model, chief executive dysfunction officer, president of a university, pig jockey, salt tester, underwater
Her: Do I look fat?
Him: Do I look stupid?…
Does WebMD ever just say “you’re fine, there’s nothing wrong with you, go play outside you drama queen?”
*interrupts your heartfelt story*
Oh NOW I hear your New York accent!! Say “dying wish” again!Ok now say “coffee”!
I’m gonna try this if it ever happens me.