Im wearing a chefs coat and a stoned guy thanked me for my service. You are welcome, my brother
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Him: Your body is like poetry
Me: That’s so nice!
H: A haiku
M:..
H: Little on the top, big in the middle, little on the bottom
M: Just stop
i shouldn’t be laughing, but i am
Now I know why women like guys with big hands…. so they can’t eat all the Pringles.
Well played ladies, well played.
I’m a real badass until I feel a stray hair and think it’s a spider.
Me in a huff: you just said disrobe down to my socks. You didn’t say anything about staying in the exam room
All I’m saying is waking up at night because you have to pee in a dream is better than actually peeing in the dream…
Life would be so much simpler if you could just smack the stupid out of people instead having to reason with them.
I hope my neighbors follow me on Twitter cause their car’s lights are on.
Cinderella was a mess. I mean, I have bad taste in men, but at least I never settled for a guy who couldn’t remember what my face looked like.
Note to self: Before committing any murders, get head and shoulders. Can’t be leaving DNA all over the place.
GOD: Let’s give her ALL the awesome.
“But what if it’s TOO much awesome?”
GOD: Then we’ll divide it evenly between multiple personalities.
If anyone asks, we met at a bible study.
Left my fiancé at the altar. The relationship is over, but the human sacrifice went perfectly
Satisfied that he had all the ingredients he needed, Phineas moved on to the next big question – how to get it into the dog’s food.
Why’s it called aioli and not gourmayonnaise?
Screw it. SCREW EVERYTHING.
– me, 5 minutes after learning how to use a power drill
[funeral for human statue street performer] *throws dollar into casket just in case*
i asked myself if i was crazy and we all said no stop playin w me
What if we all do not exist and God is alone just imagining us?
I take my phone with me when I go down into the basement, so if I fall and can’t get up I’ll still be able to tweet.
me: this is dave. every word he says is brilliant
friend: hi dave
dave: brilliant
Me: I want to kiss you everywhere!
Her: You mean New York, Paris & London?
Me: Um, ya that’s what I meant.
[FIRST DATE]
HER: I love babies.
ME *to waiter*: She’ll have the veal.
What do you call a cappuccino with an old friend?
A catchupino.
#RubbishJokes
I hate straight weddings because we all have to form a circle and pretend a 4 year old is a better dancer than me.
I HAVE BEEN TO FOUR DIFFERENT FABRIC STORES LOOKING FOR THIS ‘WIFEY MATERIAL’!
WHERE COULD THIS TYPE OF MATERIAL BE!?
Apparently my hub is a 92 yr old trapped in a younger body. He just referred to you guys as my Pinstagram friends.
Heard a rival dad is planning to hand out king size candy bars for Halloween so now every trick or treater that comes to my house is getting a full rack of ribs.
Nice try cereal but everyone knows that the real breakfast of champions is three chocolate glazed donuts.
Judge: how do you plead?
Me: Hakuna Matata.
Judge: what does that mean?
Me: I’m glad you asked *deep breath* 🎶…