“I can’t believe we’re selling this house. So many memories. Man, if walls could talk…”
WALL: “I saw you vacuum up your kid’s hamster.”
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Every time you get a haircut, you’re essentially returning your last haircut and exchanging it for the exact same thing
[shows her my bedroom]
And this is where the magic happens…
[starts doing that trick where it looks like my thumb is coming apart]
A woman asked me if I’d be having any more kids. When I said no she said “you can’t have just one!” and I told her she was thinking of potato chips.
Let’s agree that if we’re both not married in ten years we’ll sew our cats together to make one big SuperCat.
Bought the cheapest possible Mercedes yesterday ’cause I needed to use the bathroom at the dealership.
Thinking about going to 50 Shades and eating loudly the whole time.
I watch people through binoculars as a hobby, but the cops call it a felony…
I never knew those were synonyms.
Whenever І wake up and see that someone has wrіtten a bunch of funny tweets before noon, І assume they are a mornіng drіnker.
Good news. My neighbor found that last box of fireworks.
AMULET: Touch me, and be cursed for eternity!!
ME: [picks it up] I feel fine.
AMULET: uh, I’m trying but- I can’t make ur life any worse.
My university sends requests for money four times a year, so I send them my face in a dog filter.
EXPLORER 1: *looking at ancient symbols in pyramid* It says “Here lies updog”
EXPLORER 2: What’s updog?
EGYPTIAN SPIRITS: Lol
[calls my boss one week after getting fired] what was my mouse sensitivity set to
Local Thai place no longer suffering fools
Drive me up the wall, so I know you’re 4 wheel
My sister told me a guy dressed as Michael Myers for a 3k today. Slow walked the entire time and finished dead last.
There are few things I respect more than full commitment to the bit.
I’m forgetful. My wife is rememberful.
me: a beloved member of my family died
college professor: show me the body or take the quiz
“Omelet you finish,” -Kanyegg West
Me (looking up at the clock): Oh no, boys and girls we were working so hard we missed recess! I’m so sorry that I forgot.
6yo: (patting my arm) That’s ok, I think that happens when you start to get older.
You should just be thankful for all the things I don’t say.
If you didn’t need at least five napkins and your sleeve, that burger wasn’t greasy enough.
I’m at my most ninja when slipping on my seat belt as a cop car pulls up beside me.
Me: what number do you call if there’s an emergency?
3yo: 21 21
2yo: GHOSTBUSTERS
Me: you call 9 1 1
3yo: 21 21
2yo: GHOSTBUSTERS
Me: 9 1 1!
3yo: who you gonna call?
2yo: GHOSTBUSTERSEmergency training complete
I fantasize about you, but I also fantasize about the day I’ll show someone up in a dance battle, so it’s not saying much.
This looks like Wile E. Coyote trying to catch a hypochondriac Roadrunner:
So, you had unprotected sex with a Robot, what now?!
Can’t. Trying to decide between hiding the presents in the dishwasher or the washer/dryer since I’m the only one in this damn house who uses them.
Nothing makes me feel more “white collar” than when I’m nodding my head at someone pointing to a line graph that I know nothing about.
10 y/o made her own chores list and after doing the dishes, she said she couldn’t believe we do them every day so I patted her on the head and said, “wait until you hear about this thing called laundry.”