Went out to eat at a new place last night
Saw a couple friends I hadn’t seen in so long, I almost didn’t recognize them.
Slapped one guy on the back shook the other one’s hand and realized the reason I barely recognized them is because it wasn’t them.
My wife is still laughing
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if working for a big corporation has taught me anything, it’s that these multimillionaire business owners won’t get rich if the little people like me sit around on my phone tweeting all day
Roses are flowers, violets are flowers, I’d love you more if you had super powers.
Kids, in my day we didn’t have text messaging. We had to write a “Do you like me? Yes or no?” note and pass it through 17 mutual friends.
Whenever someone asks me “ what do your tattoos mean?” I just say “garlic bread” . The end.
me: [tries to spend time with kids. They don’t want to]
[Bed time]
Kids: I wanna do something with you! You don’t spend time with us!!
Tried to type “I’m on my way” and autocorrect changed it to “I’m in my way” and that is probably way more accurate.
My dad’s pet name for my mom is tiger.
Let’s never discuss this again.
Why is my body letting me get a cold?
I gave it an orange only last week….
[diet journal]
day 1: hungry
day 2: hungry
day 3: hungry
day 4: ate neighbor
-Knock Knock!
-Who is it?
-The love of your life.
– 🙂 Really?
-Hahahaha no, it’s the pizza you ordered.
[stunned, eyes lock, a smile exchanged, and I knew it was kismet]
*hands cash to lady
Ma’am my baby isn’t for sale.
I SAID I’LL TAKE TWO!!
Apparently “What inning is it?” is not a valid Football related question. Sports are hard.
keep scrolling I’ve got nothing.
My teen said my new shoes are dank, so now I need to google what that means and decide if I’m happy or mad.
“My door is always open.”
— World’s worst submarine commander
Welcome to twitter, the support group for people who like people who don’t like people.
Hit 1,000 followers and a 100 star tweet on the same day! Do you know what that means?!
900 of you don’t read my shit.
Jesus’s ability to reheat food is a bigger question than his status as a deity……..
Eating in my 40s is confusing: I’m young enough that I still need to take care of my body, but old enough that I don’t want to risk having a salad as my last meal.
i hate “oomf” because i do not read it as “one of my followers” i read it as mario taking damage in mario 64
“If you want something badly enough you’ll never give up.”
-psychopaths
Why are ghosts and angels depicted as semi transparent is that what happens when you die they just turn your opacity down
Just got glasses for the first time in 20 years and holy shit everyone looks terrible
When people don’t text me back I write their obituary and send it to them.
Why did Gandalf bring a firework that suddenly transforms into a dragon to an elderly dragon attack survivor’s birthday. does he not like Bilbo
You can almost hear the laughter in the transporter room
Me: *high af* omg is this an intervention
Wife: no it’s your birthday
{At the last supper}
Group- “can you believe jesus just turned this water into wine!”
Me- {cutting up lines of table salt} “jesus, could you do me a favor?”
Me: *Calls wife* Hey, did you know that cats use their whiskers to see if they can fit through places.
Wife: Yeah, is this why your calling me?
Me: Haha no, I’m stuck in the chimney.
Lionel Richie: hello.
Adele: it’s me.
Lionel Richie: is it me you’re looking for?
Adele: I was wondering if after all these years you’d like to meet?
Lionel Richie: holy shit *covers phone* now what the hell do I say?