I told you these spanx were too tight.
-my tombstone
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Tonight’s to-do list:
-honk
-shoo
-honk
-mimimimimi
“At least Donald Trump says what he thinks.”
Ah yes if only all racists would shout about it constantly the world would be a better place.
If we can put a satellite in orbit around a comet 4 billion miles away, perhaps someday we can put a working wireless printer in my office.
If you’ve got one of those video doorbells, don’t be surprised if I do a tight seven-minute set on your porch.
Leaf blowers can make yard work so efficient, when you just use them to blow everything onto the neighbour’s lot.
Sunday afternoon is for relaxing, so watch this go in a loop as many times as you need
Friend: I saw this guy he looks just like you!
Me: Please dont
Friend: No I’m serious you guys are twins
Me: This is never flattering please just shut up
Friend: Look, I took a picture
Me: Man this is an old tire full of water
Friend: You guys are identical!
ME: *unbuttoning shirt* Sorry, it’s hot in here and I’m really nervous.
INTERVIEWER: I understand but please stop unbuttoning my shirt.
Taking a buzzfeed quiz to see what buzzfeed quiz I am. Sweet! I got “Which buzzfeed quiz are you?”
Hitchhikers have really ruined things for those of us who just want to stand at the side of the road and express our approval for automobiles and those who travel in them.
My crush suddenly stopped texting me today. Either she is in the gravest of danger or she spontaneously decided she hates my guts. Those are literally the only two things that could have happened.
4: I’m gonna hide this in a secret spot!!
*2 min later*: MOM! COME SEE MY SECRET SPOT!
Why haven’t we tried telling our kids they have to stay 6 feet away from us? Do I have to think of everything?
Imagine being the first Robert called Bobby, they were probably like, ‘wtf did you just call me?’
Establish dominance at your doctor’s office by giving *him* the bad news first.
Me: *snarl* Sorry. Been dealing with a work deadline, a pandemic, full-time distant learning, & trying to make sure my kid’s sole understanding of current events isn’t constructed by random youtubers & internet memes
Person: So, does that mean you’re busy?
Me: *laughing*
FRIEND: To get out of a ticket, just make the cop laugh.
[later]
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: Uh oh here comes the tickle monster
Establish dominance at your in-laws by continuing to eat that piece of fruit even though you didn’t know it was plastic.
“I don’t think we should see each other anymore.”
*turns off lights*
*giggles*
OMG I opened the door to let the dog in and there was a slug on the door AND IT GOT ON MY HAND SO I SCREAMED LIKE A TODDLER AND THE DOG ATE IT TO PROTECT ME. And now we are both embarrassed.
* deletes account
*reactivates
AND, ONE MORE THING…
Oh, your boyfriend’s learning spanish in isolation? That’s cute.
I’ve taught myself to throw a garden rake with astounding accuracy. But you made your choice.
All of my horoscopes lately have started with “Ok, don’t freak out but…”
I’m a mom. My hobbies include buying snacks and mediating fights about snacks.
Be the reason they have to add a section about roller skates to the employee handbook.
My life is a constant battle between wanting to correct grammar and wanting to have friends.
I’m not necessarily saying that quinoa is repulsive, all I’m saying is that Cheetos are already prepared.
I wonder how Jeff Bezos became the richest guy in the world.
– Me as I take 47 Amazon boxes out of the house
I quit smoking ten years ago, but every once in a while, I still enjoy a camel when I’m driving.