As we were driving passed a prison on vacation my 12 year old nephew lamented, “aww, I’ve never gotten to see the inside of a real jail.” I deadpanned, “It’ll happen, Sean, just give it a few years.” Y’all, my 7 year old erupted in laughter and explained the insult & I’m just 😭
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My son is sitting next to me here playing some kinda shooting game and complaining about people using aimbots.
As someone who’s cleaned his bathroom I wish he’d use them too.
Someone in Australia please tell me how my hair cut turns out tomorrow.
Geppetto: Whew it’s a cold one.
Pinocchio: Mhmm.
G: Fire’s running low.
P: Mhmm.
G: Wonder *sharpens axe* where I could get some wood.
10% awake: monsters are real!!!
60%: do we have rats?
100%: goddamn that cat
I like washing dishes by hand because it relaxes my mind, plus you can use the steak knives to play Wolverine.
cows are very calm considering the whole floor is food to them
Foreigner: I want to know what love is.
Me: And I want to know why people do weird things like put butter on banana bread.
doctor: any history of cataracts in the family?
patient: yes, on my mother’s side
doctor: interesting [takes notes] people normally get it in their eyes
Me: big day today
Brain: we’re ready
Me: yep
Brain: not like last time
Me: what
Brain: when you wrote ‘gren’ on the colors test
Me: I was 5
Brain: don’t blow it today
My wife and kids are away so it’s just me in the house and I was just awoken at 1:45 a.m. by the Alexa in the other room saying, “Sorry, I didn’t catch that.”
me: jesus, all i have in the cupboard is two tins of tuna fish, an expired box of jello, and egg noodles
1950’s cookbook author’s ghost, calling from hell: well well well, not so high and mighty now, are we?
Does anyone else find it ironic when a celebrity with a face full of Botox talks about having the freedom of expression?
Kids love retelling stories about times they threw up
Don’t we all get absurdly territorial when a spider spins a web in that special corner of the house where we would have built our cocoon if humans did that?
I’m watching a lot of videos about ancient Rome and one thing that kills me every time is one historical figure getting mad at another and having to sustain that anger for several months as they travel across Italy to confront them
Standing by the stove, eating scrambled eggs out of the frying pan with a spatula, but in a sexy way.
If you are going to call something super, it better have a cape. I’m looking at you, tampons.
Forgiveness is for people who don’t know about arson.
THE INVENTOR OF KUNG FU FIGHTING: what if I told you that you could be fast as lightning and just a little bit frightening
Guy asked me where I got my green eyes. Great! Now I have to explain what the Vikings did when they got to Sicily.
The pilgrims ate so much at the first Thanksgiving that they had to unbuckle their hats.
Two wolves? Cute. I’ve got 8 pieces of pizza in me
{Apocalypse}
ME (To War, Famine, Pestilence and Death): Can I pet your horsies?
me: i lost my luggage.
airport worker: did you carry on?
me: *sigh* how can i?
Keys just don’t make me laugh as much as they did when I was a baby.
No, no, I didn’t need to talk to a customer service representative, thanks. I just wanted to hear some terrible music.
*Moves manger so the baby Jesus can watch Die Hard*
Fact: If you grate a giant block of cheese on the wire mesh between you and the priest in the confessional, you’re almost immediately forgiven.
I’ve had whole relationships shorter than the Game of Thrones opening credits.
Just saw a car with “Just Married” on the back window. Do people still do that? Get married, I mean..