[guy in dark alley]
Psst. Hey, lady…
*opens trench coat*
CHECK OUT-
*dozens of bibles fall out*
-our Lord and savior Jesus Christ
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Her: What’s this new hair stuff?
Me: Just For Men.
Her: Let me try some.
Me: But Honey, it says Just For M-
Her: Pfffft, what are they gonna do, arrest me?[faint sound of distant sirens growing louder]
I like to write all my death threat letters in Comic Sans.
I find it lightens the mood.
I’m sorry if I looked interested. You probably caught me fantasizing about bacon.
Legos cost way too much for smthg I still have to put together myself
[1st date]
me: are you cold?
date: *shivering* a little
me: *putting second hoody on* that sucks
Billy Joel: You may be right, I may be crazy! But it just may be a lunatic you’re looking for…
Billy Joel’s 3 ex-wives: Yeah. Nope.
Sorry I overreacted when we both reached for the last piece of pecan pie. I had no idea a fork could penetrate so far into a human forearm.
Friend: Man he drinks like a fish.
Me: [crouched in a tiny pirate castle with a 12 pack] I’m freaking the hell out.
Who called it a hive for bees to live and not a site to beehold?
“This race is over,” said Donald Trump, referring to the entire human race if he is elected president.
Jack and Jill went up the hill to catch the first flight off of this planet.
As a kid I didn’t understand why all soldiers didn’t just carry bazookas, the most powerful weapon
I bet everyone had that one weird uncle who taught them how to do weird stuff like forage for berries or catch upstream salmon in their mouths and sleep for 6 months at a time just like my Uncle Bear
Fear and ignorance would gay-marry each other if they weren’t both opposed to it.
Me: just running to the store, who cares what I’m wearing
Also me: runs into everybody I know
“so what did you do before self-driving cars?”
“we just drove ’em ourselves!”
“wow, no one died that way?”
“oh no, millions of people died”
Lovingly painting a Hitler moustache on my mother with a Sharpie so she’ll only go out if it’s absolutely necessary.
I very much doubt that actual military commandos go into battle without underwear on.
Gin & Tonic: 91 calories.
Banana: 105 calories.
Choosing the healthy option: Priceless.
I think my wife discovered that I opened a new bag of chips before the old one was finished. Just in case I suddenly disappear.
I got an email from Nigerian spinach.
ME: *getting daily intelligence briefing*
ADVISOR: *shakes head* you still don’t have any
[home schooling, day 1]
Me: I know this is hard.
12:
Me: I know it’s frustrating.
12:
Me: But we’ll get through it.
12:
Me: Now explain this math to me just once more, I’m very close to understanding it.
Oh really, Carol? It takes fewer muscles to smile than to frown? How many muscles does it take you to mind your own business
People that still call into radio stations are probably doing it from house phones.
Who called him Spider-Man and not Netflix?
My kid dropped an entire glass of cranberry juice and now he knows how hard it’d be to cover up a murder
Sometimes I’m really happy I decided to become a parent and other times I’m not calculating my Federal Tax deductions.
[i rear-end a guy and he steps out with a baseball bat]
ME: i’m sor-
HIM: *tosses me a glove* wanna play ball until the tow truck arrives?