When Cookie Monster stays in bed and eats cookies all day it’s hilarious and adorable.
But when I do it, people are all, “Excuse me, you’re making a mess. You’ve been here for hours and if you’re not going to buy a mattress, you have to leave.”
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I’m at the age where if people get pregnant I don’t know if it’s a good thing or not. like congratulations or sorry that happened
Responding to someone putting on their jacket, picking up their bag, turning towards the door and walking away by asking “you off?”
grocery shopping while hungry feels like online shopping while drunk
me refusing to leave twitter
If the cat climbs into a house guest’s lap, I like to freeze and whisper, “Are you feeling okay? She only does that with those who are dying.”
*Ghost Jail
Ghost 1: What’re you in for?
Ghost 2: Posession
Ghost 1: Nice
I might carry a baby with one hand.
It’s hoodie and chainsaw weather finally
I’m sure I would have won that werewolf impersonation contest, if only the judges had survived.
Unprecedented times would be if something nice happened every day for like 2 weeks
Don’t tell me I look tired unless you’re offering to carry me
My reaction to being on a flight with a lot of kids is that I really wish they made light up theme sneakers in my size
When I see a self-help book at a secondhand store, I wonder…does that mean it worked, or it is bullshit?
*carves turkey
*puts candle inside and places it on doorstep
I don’t get vegetables on my pizza because I don’t like mixing business with pleasure
DAUGHTER: What if the moon isn’t big and far away, what if it’s close but really small?
ME: Haha, no it definitely isn’t.
[2AM]
ME:WIFE: Go to sleep.
ME: What if it is though?
Mixed signals, like when my family members tell me I drink too much all year but on Christmas and my birthday give me cute wine glasses.
Our forefathers fought against British rule so anyone can become president. For the first time in 240 years, we’re regretting that decision.
*opens door*
Stop screaming!
*opens door*
What broke?!
*opens door*
Just wait until I get out there!!
~parenting from the bathroom
Coming home from costume party dressed as a priest, and pulled over by Police.
Cop..You been drinking?
Me..Water.
Cop..I smell wine.
Me..Oh my God, He’s done it again!!!!!
Her: I want you to tie me up.
Me: Sure!
Her: Blindfold me.
Me: OK!
Her: Now, tease me a bit.
Me: Your nose is big & your teeth are crooked.
Fire at the cannabis dispensary. Witnesses described it as super chill.
Forcing my general contractor to dig his own grave. He says he can be done by May, maybe June. Depends on some other jobs.
Any driver who sees this will immediately crash.
My dog thinks I’m the most amazing person on the planet but I don’t let it go to my head since I’m pretty sure the cat has me figured out
i’m not worried about WW111 i’ve been feeding a crow army for 3 yrs
inventor of pita: i have created bread in the form of a pocket.
assistant: aha so you can easily fill it with food.
inventor of pita: oh. [chuckles] oh it won’t be easy.
boss: you’re fired
me: [slamming fist on couch] you woke me up for this?
My 5yo after I picked her up from school, “someone in my class died…” as I gasped she said, “his hair.” Idk why she had to add that long pause.
TSA: Sir, you can’t bring that bottle of whiskey on the flight.
Me: Um, this is my Service Whiskey. See his little vest?
TSA: ….